Pitchwars Query Critique - THE KEY OF F

Here is another query critique for our pitchwars hopefuls. I’ve pasted the entire query and first page, then again with my comments. Thank you so much to Jennifer Haskin for sharing with us!

 

Dear Mentor:

 

I read on your bio that you have an interest in young adult fantasy literature. As such, I thought you might enjoy THE KEY OF F, the first novel in my fantasy/romance trilogy; a 75,000- word young adult (16+) novel.

 

After receiving visions of future events, Fale Argodian- an eighteen year old orphan trained as a samurai- learns she was the Princess of Mages in a past life and must go into hiding under the care of a coterie of mages.

 

On an Earth-like planet, in a country named Algea, Fale lives in the Industrial District. It is also home to a dastardly wizard who is using the industrial plant to turn people into machines. When Fale discovers that those metal people are sadistic guards having turned her subjects into slaves in a parallel dimension, she resolves to do anything in her power to rescue them. But to fight the evil, she must enlist the help of a biomechanical man, as well as her two best friends, to find a dimension- opening machine to which only she
has the key.

 

Fale and her three friends have a single goal; find the machine before the head wizard, who will use it to send his metal guard army to conquer new dimensions, stealing their magic and gaining power. What was a race against time becomes a battle when evil henchmen attempt to abduct Fale and her key. The head wizard’s men begin appearing, as do Fale’s powers and the situation complicates for all. Now Fale must fight the wizards, learn her history with the mages, remain hidden, practice her new powers, and find the machine, all while becoming more than friends with her handsome biomechanical roommate. THE KEY OF F will appeal to fans of Sarah J. Maas’ THRONE OF GLASS or S.J. West’s VANKARA and DRAGON
ALLIANCE.

 

Jennifer lives in Olathe, Kansas and is writing full time. She is a published poet for Lodestar, Inklings and Read magazine. You can learn more about her personally on her Facebook page at: www.facebook.com/Jenni.Willis.Haskin She is happy to send her complete manuscript for your review.

 

Thank you for your time.

Sincerely,

Jennifer Haskin
www.facebook.com/FreedomFightTrilogy

 

 

The Key of F
Freedom Fight Trilogy #1
By Jennifer Haskin

Chapter 1

 

      It wasn’t the twin moons of Thera, or their six month eclipse that drove Fale inside; it wasn’t even the spring chill. She had dreamt of a war; one that she had never been in, and yet she had led the army. Today she wanted to be around people she knew and trusted. She thought her city was safe. Still, tingles ran the length of her arms, warning her that something sinister was inevitable. She shook her limbs to ward off the tremors of edgy nerves and pushed through the glass door. Immediately she felt the thump of a low and steady bass guitar, as a musical lament rang through the smoky antechamber. A torrid blast of heat hit Fale in the face as she entered the pub during its lunchtime press. This place is like a sauna, she thought as she scanned the room looking for her party. Her friends were hard to find in the boisterous crowd. She sidled down the bar to the back booths and found them, waving and calling her name over the noise.

     “Fale!” yelled her best friend, a beautiful young woman with chocolate eyes and copper skin. “Hurry up, lunch is almost over.” Fale smiled brightly as their friend, Keron, stepped out of the booth for her to slide in. The seats, once a vibrant red leather, were now dull and cracked with wear.
     “Sorry, Izzy.” They hugged briefly. “How were your morning classes?” she shouted above the noise of the deafening full table next to them.

 

And now with my comments!

 

Dear Mentor: For Pitchwars, this is fine and you probably already know this, but make sure the agents name is here…and correct! J

 

I read on your bio that you have an interest in young adult fantasy literature. As such, I thought you might enjoy THE KEY OF F, the first novel in my fantasy/romance trilogy; a 75,000- word young adult (16+) usually YAs are 12 and up or 14 and up…you’re really limiting yourself with 16+ because kids usually read up…even the more graphic novels that deal with sex and violence and have course language are usually 14+ novel.

 

I would move this whole sentence to the end. You also want to make sure that this novel can stand alone in case an agent/publisher doesn’t want to take on a trilogy. Usually you would add to the end, with series potential. If an agent is interested, then you can share your trilogy ideas and they will discuss with you what they think about pitching it as a series.

 

After receiving visions of future events, Fale Argodian- an eighteen year old orphan trained as a samurai- learns she was the Princess of Mages in a past life and must go into hiding under the care of a coterie of mages. This sentence tells a lot and gets the plot out there, which is excellent, but you want to do it in a more dynamic hooky way! What are the visions? Usually you wouldn’t think of an eighteen year old as an orphan…since they’re basically a grown up…is there a reason the MC isn’t seventeen or sixteen to ground it more firmly in YA?

 

On an Earth-like planet, If this is fantasy, you don’t have to specify…this makes it sound more sci-fi in a country named Algea, Fale lives in the Industrial District. It is also home to a dastardly wizard who is using the industrial plant to turn people into machines. When Fale discovers that those metal people are sadistic guards having turned her subjects into slaves in a parallel dimension, she resolves to do anything in her power to rescue them. Confusing…the metal people are sadistic? Who is she trying to save? Why does she care about this other dimension? But to fight the evil, she must enlist the help of a biomechanical man, as well as her two best friends, to find a dimension- opening machine to which only she has the key. This second paragraph seem like another first paragraph! Is this the same story as above? J Blend all this info together.

 

Fale Just pointing out that Fale sounds like Fail…you might want to think about that and her three friends have a single goal; find the machine before the head wizard, who will use it to send his metal guard army to conquer new dimensions, stealing their magic and gaining power. What was a race against time becomes a battle with? when evil henchmen attempt to abduct Fale and her key. The head wizard’s men begin appearing, as do Fale’s powers and the situation complicates for all. Now Fale must fight the wizards, learn her history with the mages, remain hidden, practice her new powers, and find the machine, all while becoming more than friends bit bland…spruce it up! with her handsome biomechanical roommate. THE KEY OF F will appeal to fans of Sarah J. Maas’ THRONE OF GLASS or S.J. West’s VANKARA and DRAGON
ALLIANCE. Great comp titles!

 

This whole summary is a bit…garbled. You have info in there, but it doesn’t all seem to be the right info? Even seasoned authors have trouble writing short summaries, it’s difficult to decide what to put in and what not to. It’s also hard to walk the line between hooking the reader and getting all the info needed. Think about the back of books (or the jacket) and try to write one for your story…then flesh it out with pertinent info and you have your query summary!

 

Jennifer lives in Olathe, Kansas and is writing full time. She is a published poet for Lodestar, Inklings and Read magazine. You can learn more about her personally on her Facebook page at: www.facebook.com/Jenni.Willis.Haskin She is happy to send her complete manuscript for your review. In a query this should be in first person…where you live is totally not important and I’ve never seen anyone put their fb page in a query. Add in the book info from the first para and cut the unnecessary info from this one.

 

Thank you for your time. It’s always good to be polite!

Sincerely,

Jennifer Haskin
www.facebook.com/FreedomFightTrilogy Oh, this is interesting you already have a fb fan page. By saying trilogy instead of series or book, you’re limiting yourself. I mentioned and agent/publisher might want a standalone, but they also might want more than three books.

 

 

The Key of F
Freedom Fight Trilogy #1
By Jennifer Haskin

Chapter 1

 

      It wasn’t the twin moons of Thera, or their six month eclipse that drove Fale inside; why would this drive her inside at all? The darkness? it wasn’t even the spring chill. She had dreamt of a war;When? Last night or a vision? one that she had never been in, and yet she had led the army. / Today she wanted to be around people she knew and trusted. She thought her city was safe. Still, tingles ran the length of her arms, warning her that something sinister was inevitable. Awkward sentence She shook her limbs to ward off the tremors of edgy nerves and pushed through the glass door.into the tavern or pub or whatever / Immediately she felt the thump of a low and steady bass guitar, as a musical lament rang through the smoky antechamber. A torrid blast of heat hit Fale in the face as she entered the pub during its lunchtime press. This place is like a sauna, she thought as she scanned the room looking for her party. Her friends were hard to find in the boisterous crowd. She sidled down the bar to the back booths and found them, waving and calling her name over the noise. This is the LONGEST first paragraph ever! Put / where I thought you could break it up.

     “Fale!” yelled her best friend, a beautiful young woman with chocolate eyes and copper skin.Would Fale think these things…what about her is “beautiful?” “Hurry up, lunch is almost over.” Fale smiled brightly as their friend, Keron, stepped out of the booth for her to slide in. The seats, once a vibrant red leather, were now dull and cracked with wear.
     “Sorry, Izzy.”Sorry for what? They hugged briefly. “How were your morning classes?” she shouted above the noise of the deafening full table next to them.

So this beginning isn’t very dynamic…why not start with Fale’s dream/vision. A war scene!? Yes please. What did she see? Why did it freak her out more so than any other nightmare? Then you can ease the reader into Fale’s life/friends.

Thanks again to Jennifer Haskin for sharing her work with us!

For the next query visit Kate on her blog on 9/29 at katekaryusquinn.blogspot.com and I’ll have another critique right here next Tuesday!

Pitchwars Query Critique – THE ORPHAN RESISTANCE

Here is another query critique for one of our pitchwars hopefuls. I’ve pasted the entire query and first page, then again with my comments. Thank you so much to Greg Schwartz for sharing with us!

 

In the near future, a catastrophic virus covers the world and decimates the American population, affecting only those who have entered puberty. Dubbed “Orphan,” the virus leaves the few survivors sterile and in need of constant transfusions. With uninfected children remaining as the sole source of clean blood, a rift soon forms between the generations leading to widespread violence and disappearances.

Ten years after Orphan, a boy wakes up in the back of a transport truck with no memories of his life. Upon arriving at a military installation, he learns his blood may contain the cure for those left symptomatic a decade earlier. Imprisoned in the bowels of the compound, the boy has no choice but surrender to the experiments of a strange doctor.

After spending barely more than twenty four hours captive, a botched breakout led by a dissenting faction of adults leaves the boy stranded on the surface. Alone in a world full of empty streets and abandoned buildings, fatigue and dehydration soon sap his strength. While hiding under a bush with his consciousness fading, two teenagers discover the boy and carry him back to their resistance: a group of children doing whatever it takes to survive in a world where the old prey on the young.

At 62,000 words, THE ORPHAN RESISTANCE is *Lord of the Flies* meets *The Hunger Games* with a touch of *Bourne*: a completed and polished YA post-apocalyptic, dystopian novel.

I am a summa cum laude graduate of the University of Massachusetts at Amherst’s English program with a specialization in creative writing. I have been writing for twelve years, eight of which have been dedicated solely to my own projects. I have had poetry published in the undergraduate journal Jabberwocky (Spring, 2014), and had my short story “The Girl of the Rising Sun” featured in a showcase (Spring, 2014).

Thank you very much for your time. I can’t wait to hear back and (hopefully) work with you!

Sincerely,
Greg Schwartz

 

1.

A violent bounce returned him to consciousness. 

Dull throbs echoed through his head. For several moments he could only grasp his own existence, until another bounce shook enough of the drowsiness away to offer some lucidity. 

His eyes drifted open to two bare feet—his feet, given how the toes wiggled at his command. He shifted his gaze and spotted a pair of black combat boots to the right, and then a pair of combat boots to the left. 

An ache in his back prompted him to try stretching, and the boy found himself wrapped in a white straitjacket. He strained against the restraints for a second or two, then submitted to fatigue. Neither pair of boots flanking him had moved an inch.

Steady rain pelted the roof and mixed with the loud drone of a diesel engine. The whole truck rattled and shook as it sped through the night.

Continuing to stare at his feet, the boy wondered where he was and—following that—where he was going. That made him wonder why he was going wherever he was going. As he tried to recall the events leading to his imprisonment, his body tensed with the realization that he didn’t know his own name.

The boy raised his gaze and found an unblinking pair of eyes opposite him. They belonged to a man—the darkness obscured most of his features, but the boy guessed he must’ve been in his forties. The silhouette revealed a cap and uniform, perhaps an officer’s. The world outside whizzed by behind the officer’s head, illuminated every now and then by orange streetlights. For a brief instant, the boy thought he saw the glint of stars stitched onto the man’s shoulders, but the darkness returned too quickly to know for certain.

 

And now with my comments!

 

 

In the near future, a catastrophic virus covers the world and decimates the American population, affecting only those who have entered puberty. Entered or gone through? Is this MG or YA…because if it’s entered than it would affect anyone over the age of 12ish? Dubbed “Orphan,” the virus leaves the few survivors sterile and in need of constant transfusions. Why are there few survivors…what else does the virus do? Seems important to get that info in here. If it’s called Orphan, (great name!) I’m assuming most of the adults are dead? With uninfected children remaining as the sole source of clean blood, a rift soon forms between the generations leading to widespread violence and disappearances. Why do the survivors need “clean” blood? I appreciate you trying to avoid an info-dump but this could use a few specifics.

Ten years after Orphan, a boy so a child, not a teen? wakes up in the back of a transport truck with no memories of his life. Upon arriving at a military installation, he learns his blood may contain the cure for those left symptomatic a decade earlier. Imprisoned in the bowels of the compound, the boy has no choice but surrender to the experiments of a strange doctor.

After spending barely more than twenty four hours captive, Very wordy, maybe just say soon? a botched breakout led by a dissenting faction of adults leaves the boy stranded on the surface. Alone in a world full of empty streets and abandoned buildings, fatigue and dehydration soon sap his strength. While hiding under a bush with his consciousness fading, two teenagers discover the boy and carry him back to their resistance: a group of children doing whatever it takes to survive in a world where the old prey on the young. But wouldn’t the teens need “clean” blood too? Needs clarification.

At 62,000 words, THE ORPHAN RESISTANCE is *Lord of the Flies* meets *The Hunger Games* The HUNGER GAMES are done and very overused…I would caution against naming them a comp title with a touch of *Bourne*: a completed and polished YA post-apocalyptic, dystopian dystopian has become a bad word in publishing, would just leave it at post-apocalyptic novel. Would rewrite to tighten up this sentence.

I am a summa cum laude graduate of the University of Massachusetts at Amherst’s English program with a specialization in creative writing. I have been writing for twelve years, eight of which have been dedicated solely to my own projects. I have had poetry published in the undergraduate journal Jabberwocky (Spring, 2014), and had my short story “The Girl of the Rising Sun” featured in a showcase (Spring, 2014). This is great!

Thank you very much for your time. I can’t wait to hear back and (hopefully) work with you!

Sincerely,
Greg Schwartz

 

This is overall very good with a few tweaks needed. The only general critique is that the boy seems to be very passive in this short summary…things happen to him instead of him making choices that push the plot forward. Not sure if it’s just in this summary or in your story, so you might want to think about that and perhaps tweak the short summary to make the boy more active.

 

1.

A violent bounce returned him to consciousness. 

Dull throbs echoed through his head. For several moments he could only grasp his own existence, until another bounce shook enough of the drowsiness away to offer some lucidity. 

His eyes drifted open to two bare feet—his feet, given how the toes wiggled at his command. He shifted his gaze and spotted a pair of black combat boots to the right, and then a pair of combat boots to the left. 

An ache in his back prompted him to try stretching, and the boy found himself wrapped in a white straitjacket. Would he know what a straitjacket was? He strained against the restraints for a second or two, then submitted to fatigue. Neither pair of boots flanking him had moved an inch.

Steady rain pelted the roof and mixed with the loud drone of a diesel engine. The whole truck rattled and shook as it sped through the night. The reader, and presumably, the boy, doesn’t know he’s in a truck. He should probably deduce this?

Continuing to stare at his feet, the boy wondered where he was and—following that—where he was going. That made him wonder why he was going wherever he was going. As he tried to recall the events leading to his imprisonment, his body tensed with the realization that he didn’t know his own name. But he knows what a straightjacket is and a truck? Perhaps he should realize this too.

The boy raised his gaze and found an unblinking pair of eyes opposite him. They belonged to a man—the darkness obscured most of his features, but the boy guessed he must’ve been in his forties. The silhouette revealed a cap and uniform, perhaps an officer’s. The world outside whizzed by behind the officer’s head, illuminated every now and then by orange streetlights. For a brief instant, the boy thought he saw the glint of stars stitched onto the man’s shoulders, but the darkness returned too quickly to know for certain.

This is a good scene but I feel the focus could be more on the boy realizing he’s 1)imprisoned 2)being taken somewhere and 3)has no memories. You can really hit these points harder…get some more of his confusion, maybe even panic. He seems very calm and assessing. He even realizes the one guy is an officer! I think that’s a little much. The hint with the stars on his shoulders is enough for the reader. The boys should be more concerned with other things…like wondering WTF!?

Also, a lot of action-y YA is in present tense…which lends itself well to keep pacing moving forward. You might want to consider seeing if that works for you.

 

Thanks again to Gregory Schwarz for sharing his work with us!

For the next query visit Kate on her blog on 9/22 at katekaryusquinn.blogspot.com and I’ll have another critique right here next Tuesday!

 

 

Pitchwars Query Critique - WHISPERS

Here is the first query critique for our pitchwars hopefuls. I’ve pasted the entire query and first page, then again with my comments. Thank you so much to Kailey Steward for sharing her query for WHISPERS with us!

Whispers is an 85,000 word biblically inspired YA fantasy.
 
Thousands of years ago Adam and Eve were banished from Paradise, along with the rest of humanity. After their exile they split into two groups, now known as Demons.
 
Ariella knows none of this. All she knows is she struggles with her own demons, both literal and metaphorical. She has been isolated and ignored by her family because of her ability to hear the thoughts and emotions of others. She suffers from depression and self-harm disorder because of this.
 
Since she’s been pushed to the fringes of her world, she has never had a friend. When her family moves to a new town she does not expect that to change. On her first day she meets Jamie who, despite her closed off personality, is determined to befriend her.
 
Soon she can tell Jamie is keeping secrets from her, and she sets out to figure out what those are. Her world is changing and with or without his help she needs to figure out what that means. She doesn’t have much of a choice. The demons are coming and they have a plan. If she doesn’t work out her power and come to terms with herself, it’s more than her life at risk.
 
I feel this book would appeal to fans of Cassandra Clare’s The Mortal Instruments, Rachel Vincent’s Soul Screamers and Jennifer Estep’s Mythos Academy.
 
I am a twenty year old college junior and I have been writing since I was sixteen. I attend Butler University in Indianapolis where I am an English Creative Writing major. I also run a blog called In the Land of Pages on WordPress where I talk about books and writing.
 
Thank you for your time and consideration,
 
Kailey Steward

Most of the time I hide in my room. My room is quiet, it’s safe, the only real place in the world that is. In my room, my thoughts are my own. I’m not stuck with everyone’s voices or feelings bombarding me all at once. In my room, the only voice I hear is my own, and the musicians I listen to.

My music has saved my sanity more than once. Music is safe, like my room. The lyrics, they tell me my story. Sometimes I just put my headphones in, and listen. The words are soothing, no matter the genre. I listen to anything and everything. If it has decent lyrics and a good beat I’ll let it play. Rock, country, punk, rap, pop, alt . . . I listen to all of it. Music is my best friend because I let the lyrics tell me my story. They speak the things I’m afraid to say myself.

My room, and my music, they are my only safe places. I wish I could hide here forever, but I know I can’t. I’ll have to go out again, and face my family, face my new classmates, face the world. It wouldn’t be a problem if I didn’t also have to face their thoughts.

I sigh, staring up at the exposed beams of the ceiling. I know it’s unhealthy to hide, but I do. The voices aren’t the only reason, but they are the majority of it. For the millionth time I regret that I have no way of blocking out what they’re all thinking. I can’t protect myself from what they are all wishing for, begging for, dreaming for, even if it is only in their own minds. I wish more than anything that I could just tune them out, forever. I hate knowing what people are thinking. Thoughts are supposed to be private, and I’m invading that privacy. You’re supposed to be safe inside your mind, and with me around, no one ever is.

 

And now with my comments!

 

Whispers is an 85,000 word biblically inspired YA fantasy. I like when queries get right into the meat of the MS, so I would move this to the last paragraph.

 

Thousands of years ago Adam and Eve were banished from Paradise, along with the rest of humanity. After their exile they split into two groups, now known as Demons. A little unclear, are both groups demons or is it humans and demons?

 

Ariella knows none of this. All she knows is she struggles with her own demons, both literal and metaphorical. She has been isolated and ignored by her family because of her ability to hear the thoughts and emotions of others. She suffers from depression and self-harm disorder because of this. End this sentence with something more grabby…maybe that she feels completely alone, or that she is going insane, or there is no hope…pull from the MS.

 

Since she’s been pushed to the fringes of her world, Has she also isolated herself? This sentence is vague…be more specific! she has never had a friend. When her family moves to a new town she does not expect that to change. On her first day she meets Jamie who, despite her closed off personality, is determined to befriend her. Is Jamie a boy a girl? Is this just a friend or a love interest? This relationship needs a few more sentences in this summary.

 

Soon she can tell Jamie is keeping secrets from her, and she sets out to figure out what those are. Her world is changing and with or without his Okay, so Jamie is a boy! help she needs to figure out what that means. She doesn’t have much of a choice. The demons are coming and they have a plan. If she doesn’t work out her power and come to terms with herself, it’s more than her life at risk. One more sentence! What is at risk? The world?

 

I feel this book would WHISPERS will appeal to fans of Cassandra Clare’s The Mortal Instruments, Rachel Vincent’s Soul Screamers and Jennifer Estep’s Mythos Academy.

 

I am a twenty year old college junior and I have been writing since I was sixteen.   I attend Butler University in Indianapolis where I am an English Creative Writing major. I also run a blog called In the Land of Pages on WordPress where I talk about books and writing.

Thank you for your time and consideration,

Kailey Steward

 

Most of the time I hide in my room. Love this first sentence! My room is quiet, it’s safe, the only real place in the world that is. In my room, my thoughts are my own. I’m not stuck with everyone’s voices or feelings bombarding me all at once. In my room, the only voice I hear is my own, and the musicians I listen to.

My music has saved my sanity more than once. Music is safe, like my room. The lyrics, they tell me my story. Sometimes I just put my headphones in, Headphones on, or earbuds in? and listen. The words are soothing, no matter the genre. I listen to anything and everything. If it has decent lyrics and a good beat I’ll let it play. Rock, country, punk, rap, pop, alt . . . I listen to all of it. Music is my best friend because I let the lyrics tell me my story. They speak the things I’m afraid to say myself. Love this!

My room, and my music, they are my only safe places. I wish I could hide here forever, but I know I can’t. I’ll have to go out again, and face my family, face my new classmates, face the world. It wouldn’t be a problem if I didn’t also have to face their thoughts.

I sigh, staring up at the exposed beams of the ceiling. I know it’s unhealthy to hide, but I do. The voices aren’t the only reason, but they are the majority of it. For the millionth time I regret that I have no way of blocking out what they’re all thinking. I can’t protect myself from what they are all wishing for, begging for, dreaming for, even if it is only in their own minds. I wish more than anything that I could just tune them out, forever. I hate knowing what people are thinking. Thoughts are supposed to be private, and I’m invading that privacy. You’re supposed to be safe inside your mind, and with me around, no one ever is.

 

There is some great character building in this bit, but this first scene seems more like it may be a second scene. Perhaps start the MS with us seeing her reaction to her someone’s thoughts, how much it disturbs her, how she has to run and hide, then go into the explanation of how she finds comfort in her music.

 

For the next query visit Kate on her blog on 9/15 at katekaryusquinn.blogspot.com and I’ll have another critique right here next Tuesday!