Cancer Update – Chemo Edition

First off, I want to say thank you to everyone who donated to my youcaring fund. When Mindy and Kate suggested starting one to help with treatment costs I was a bit doubtful that it would be successful. Boy, was I wrong. I am not a crier, but when I saw how many people donated/offered words of support, well, let’s just say there were water works.

 

Since my last post I’ve started chemo and let me tell you, it’s not like in the movies/TV. First of all, they don’t line you up in one big depressing cancer room. Where I’m at there are nice little private cubicles with TVs and big comfy chairs that heat up and have a massage function. No joke.

 

I was shocked at how nice it all was. They also don’t inject the medicine into the veins in your arms. I had a chemo port installed, which is a device placed under the skin in the chest with a tube that flows directly into a major artery. So while I may not end up with a bionic boob, I am on my way to becoming a cyborg. After they hook you up (they call it accessing your port) they pump you full of chemicals (one of mine is candy apple red) and that’s that!

 

Honestly, for the first few days after my first treatment I felt normal. Then the next few days I felt super gross…like I was hung over from the worst bender ever. Then I felt normal again.

 

Today is my second session. I’m not sure when I’ll post another cancer update, but I’ll definitely still be posting book stuff, and of course my 2016 favorites list in January.

 

I hope everyone has a great holiday, and thank you again for all your support and encouragement!!!

My Cancer Diagnosis – How My Left Breast is Trying to Kill Me

[Warning: In this post I talk about my boob. A lot. I also curse and talk about medical things, so if you’re squeamish, probably skip this.]

 

About six weeks ago, after experiencing a sharp random pain in my left breast, I found a lump. My first thoughts: HOLY SHIT, I HAVE CANCER. After an hour of online research I calmed down. I’m young and cancer doesn’t usually hurt. It doesn’t make your breast swell to twice the normal size. It doesn’t come on suddenly. Self diagnosis, I convinced myself I had a cyst. They’re common in my family.

 

I went to my doctor who also agreed it was probably a cyst but ordered a mammogram and ultrasound just to be sure. I was still convinced it was a cyst. Up until the moment when the big boss radiologist came into the room and she told me that I had three solid masses in my breast and one in my armpit. My thoughts at that moment? FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK.

 

Back to HOLY SHIT, I HAVE CANCER. Because although I’m not a pessimist, I am a realist. They don’t order a biopsy for no reason. A single mass in my breast may be benign, but three? And one already in my lymh node? Yeah, that has got to be fucking cancer. I called my sister to warn her. She cried. I told her not to cry. She cried some more. My husband and I talked about what to do if it was cancer and decided not to fuck around. To do whatever it took to get better.

 

The next day I had to go back for a biopsy. I needed four total and for each one they covered the spot in iodine, gave me a numbing shot, and shoved a super long needle with nifty vacuum suction action to take samples. Then they put a titanium marker in the spot to show where the sample was taken. (Yeah, was hoping it would make my boob bionic, but sadly, no.)

 

Rinse, repeat. The whole thing took four hours. Then they did another mammogram to make sure the markers were in place. If you don’t know about mammograms, they are not gentle. They took my already punctured, aching breast and placed it in a big machine where it was squished between two glass plates. Then they needed the side view. My poor boob was not happy.

 

Fast forward to Saturday, ten days ago. My doctor calls. I know it must be awesome news because, what doctor doesn’t love to call patients on a Saturday? Well, the cells were malignant and at 35 years of age, HOLY SHIT, I HAVE CANVER.

 

I’m starting chemo next week. I don’t know how I’ll react, so though I’ll probably be around on social media, I might not always respond right away if at all. I’m going to conserve my energy to work on my latest contracted novel.

 

 

So how am I feeling? Angry but hopeful. I have a great cancer team and am otherwise healthy. I have a good chance of coming out of this less one boob, but very much alive. Please share your stories of cancer survival for yourself/friends/and family. I would love to hear them!

 

 

 

BAD BLOOD Signed ARC Giveaway and book bundle!

For October I'm giving away a signed ARC of BAD BLOOD!

 

 

 

a Rafflecopter giveaway

 

Also included are two arcs from Delacorte authors. And GOING GEEK is signed!

                   

 

 

Pitchwars Query Critique – BRISKWOOD BLOOD RAIN

 

Here is another query critique for our pitchwars hopefuls. I’ve pasted the entire query and first page, then again with my comments. Thank you so much to Christopher Joubert for sharing with us!
 
 

Dear Mentor,

When Miles Parker walks into one of his final classes of high school, the only thing on his mind is how poorly he is about to do on a quiz he didn’t study for. Then, his teacher dies – and vanishes – in front of him. After this unexplainable event happens, he thinks his day can’t get any stranger.

 

He’s wrong.

 

When severe weather roars into the small city of Briskwood and cancels school for the rest of the day, Miles thinks nothing of it. Then, the rain suddenly turns red and mutates people into gray, spike-covered creatures hell-bent on terrorizing everything that moves.

Miles soon finds himself trapped inside of his job, the Royal Cinema Theater, along with his best friend Trevor Johnson. There, he also meets a group of teenagers who can’t seem to get along, even in a time of crisis.

 

After one of the freakishly mutated people ends up inside of the building, Miles and the others find themselves up against an enemy that is much stronger than they are. The race for survival against this new, deadly species is on.

 

With the blood rain falling all around him and the yellow-eyed creatures, the threaders, out to murder anything that breathes, Miles may not live to see his graduation day.

 

This novel connects with me on a personal level because I have worked in a movie theater for more than three years now and I am familiar with how a dangerous situation would affect the fragile system of the business.

 

BRISKWOOD BLOOD RAIN, a stand-alone novel with strong series potential, is a thrilling apocalyptic page-turner with commercial appeal that is currently complete at 61,000 words. Readers of Monument 14 by Emmy Laybourne and Dark Inside by Jeyn Roberts will enjoy this adventure.

 

Thank you for your time and consideration,

Christopher Joubert

 

 

Chapter 1

 

It looks like my first accomplishment of the day is booking myself a one-way-ticket to detention. Senior year has kicked my ass. Lately, I just haven’t been able to get enough sleep because of the never-ending pointless stuff that comes along with the last year of school. Just yesterday, I was forced to take what felt like a million pictures for my graduation invitations. The smell of bacon wafts up the stairs into my room and gives me just the push I need to begin another long day.

 

“Miles, you’re going to be late.” My mom screams from downstairs.

 

“Mom, you should be used to this by now.” I yell back, my voice echoing down the halls of our large house. I drag myself from the sanctuary of my bed to the bathroom, turn on the sink, and brush my teeth. The morning light breaks through the dark storm clouds outside and shines through the window. As I throw on a wrinkled Breaking Bad T-shirt and a pair of jeans splattered with spots of pizza sauce, it thunders loudly. I slam the door to the bathroom and bound down the winding spiral staircase.

 

When I enter the kitchen, I find my mom dancing to music from whatever decade used an excessive amount of horns. Not stopping to figure it out, I say hello to her over the noise of the blasting portable speaker, grab a handful of bacon, and head towards the front door. She clears her throat behind me, loud enough to be heard over the blasting saxophones and trumpets.

 

“What?” I whip around and peek my head back inside the kitchen.

 

“Are you forgetting what I asked you to do last night?” Damn. I honestly have no idea what she’s talking about and I don’t exactly have the time to hear her lecture me if I admit that. She glares at me, giving me the thorny and disapproving look that blooms inside of every mom when her child starts to mature. Small wrinkles line the sides of her sad, blue eyes. Her auburn hair is twisted into two braids and peppered with streaks of gray.

 

And now with my comments!

 

Dear Mentor,

When Miles Parker walks into one of his final classes of high school, the only thing on his mind is how poorly he is about to do on a add subject quiz he didn’t study for. Then, his teacher dies – and vanishes – in front of him. After this unexplainable event happens, he thinks his day can’t get any stranger.

 

He’s wrong. Nice!

 

When severe weather roars into the small city of Briskwood and cancels school is cancelled for the rest of the day, Miles thinks nothing of it. the weather caused the cancelation but didn’t cancel school. Then, the rain suddenly turns red and mutates people into gray, spike-covered creatures hell-bent on terrorizing everything that moves. This could be fleshed out…this is a huge part of the story and it’s told kind of in a hum drum way. Spice this up.

Miles soon finds himself trapped at work inside of his job, the Royal Cinema Theater, along with his best friend Trevor Johnson. There, he also meets and a group of teenagers who can’t seem to get along, again, kind of bland language, especially for an apocalyptic event even in a time of crisis. *

 

After one of the freakishly mutated people ends up inside of the building, Miles and the others find themselves up against use stronger words…like fighting an enemy that is much stronger than they are. The race for survival against this new, deadly species is on. This is a great end summary sentence.

 

With the blood rain falling all around him and the yellow-eyed creatures, the threaders, out to murder anything that breathes, Miles may not live to see his graduation day.  Delete this but move “murder anything that breathes” and “yellow-eyed creatures” up and weave in, since those are good images. “May not live to see his graduation day” is funny, but maybe move to * and tweak. Or see if it fits elsewhere since it relays the humor you touch on throughout.

 

This novel connects with me on a personal level because I have worked in a movie theater for more than three years now and I am familiar with how a dangerous situation would affect the fragile system of the business.  Funny but a lot of words for something that an agent probably won’t be interested in.

 

BRISKWOOD BLOOD RAIN, a stand-alone novel with strong series potential, Great! is a thrilling apocalyptic page-turner with commercial appeal that is currently complete at 61,000 words. Readers of Monument 14 by Emmy Laybourne and Dark Inside by Jeyn Roberts will enjoy this adventure. Great comp titles, capitalize them.

 

Thank you for your time and consideration,

Christopher Joubert

 

Good start to a query, but make it more hooky!

 

Chapter 1

 

It looks like my first accomplishment of the day is booking myself a one-way-ticket to detention. Great first line! Mention here that he slept through his alarm or is running late, or hasn’t managed to get out of bed yet to set the scene. Senior year has kicked my ass. Lately, I just haven’t been able to get enough sleep because of the never-ending pointless stuff that comes along with the last year of school. Just yesterday, I was forced to take what felt like a million pictures for my graduation invitations. The smell of bacon wafts up the stairs into my room and gives me just the push I need to begin another long day.

 

“Miles, you’re going to be late.,” Mmy mom screams from downstairs.

 

“Mom, yYou should be used to this by now.” I yell back, my voice echoing down the halls of our large house. I drag myself from the sanctuary of my bed to the bathroom, turn on the sink, and brush my teeth. He would probably pee first. J But this info doesn’t have to be in there. The morning light breaks through the dark storm clouds outside and shines through the window. As I throw on a wrinkled Breaking Bad T-shirt and a pair of jeans splattered with spots of pizza sauce, it thunders loudly. Tweak this sentence…you make it sound like his jeans thunder loudly. I slam the door to the bathroom and bound down the winding spiral staircase.

 

When I enter the kitchen, I find my mom dancing to music from whatever decade used an excessive amount of horns. Not stopping to figure it out, I say hello to her over the noise of the blasting portable speaker, grab a handful of bacon, Wouldn’t that be gross and greasy? and head towards the front door. She clears her throat behind me, loud enough to be heard over the blasting saxophones and trumpets.

 

“What?” I whip around and peek my head back inside the kitchen.

 

“Are you forgetting what I asked you to do last night?” Damn. I honestly have no idea what she’s talking about and I don’t exactly have the time to hear her lecture me if I admit that. She glares at me, giving me the thorny and disapproving look that blooms inside of every mom when her child starts to mature. Way too self-aware here. Small wrinkles line the sides of her sad, blue eyes. Her auburn hair is twisted into two braids and peppered with streaks of gray.

 

This is a good first page, you’ve got a great voice for Miles. It just needs tightening up…too much unnecessary info.

Thanks again to Christopher Joubert for sharing his work with us!

For the next query visit Kate on her blog on 10/27 at katekaryusquinn.blogspot.com and I’ll have another critique right here next Tuesday!

Pitchwars Query Critique – ARCANUM

Here is another query critique for our pitchwars hopefuls. I’ve pasted the entire query and first page, then again with my comments. Thank you so much to Chris Hoerter for sharing with us!

 

 

Dear Pitch Wars Mentor:

Cyrus is a book-addicted 15-year-old boy who wants just one thing: to know his parents. The problem is that they’re dead. Also a problem: being home-schooled by his séance-obsessed sister, Jezanna. But when Jezanna’s latest lesson is necromancy – and the homework is bringing Mom back from the dead – Cyrus knows he has to stop her.

In ARCANUM, a 71,000-word young adult novel of supernatural horror, Cyrus must overcome his sister's betrayal, fight off her psychic followers, and uncover her plans to bring back the souls of the dead. But the hardest part might be learning to trust anyone ever again.

If Cyrus fails, his sister will unleash an ancient evil with plans of its own – and a thirst for the souls of the living.

Thank you for volunteering your time as a Pitch Wars mentor. I hope to hear from you soon!

Best wishes,
Chris Hoerter

 

************************

 

I never knew my mother – she died giving birth to me. But that didn't necessarily mean I wanted to bring her back from the dead.

    

I think for a lot of people, that would be exciting or something. But believe me, boring is good. Take it from me: If someone wants to give you a Tarot reading, or look at your palm -- don't get me started on Ouija boards -- do yourself a favor and go play a video game.  Maybe even go crazy and read a book. You'll be happy you did. And -- bonus points -- you'll get to live a normal life.

    

Of course, I didn't know all that the night of the séance.

    

I was perched in my favorite tree, reading. Sorry -- I mean, "being home-schooled." The truth was that my sister gave up trying to teach me anything about three years ago, when at the age of 12 I started to get ahead of her in fields like math, biology, and astronomy. Real, scientifically proven sorts of things, which Jezanna knew nothing about. Astrology, on the other hand -- but I digress.

    

Anyway, Jezanna's yelling interrupted my everything's-perfect-tree-reading moment.

 

"Cyrus, they're here! Time for the séance!"

    

I rolled my eyes, even though she couldn't see me. She was a long way off still, and I was 10 feet off the ground, resting on the gnarled bark of the old live oak, floating above a cloud of swaying Spanish moss. (Like I said: Perfect.) I went back to Herodotus, who I thought had an undeserved reputation for being a liar. He had what I thought was a pretty good approach to history -- especially when you consider the guy was an ancient Greek. He said, "I am bound to tell what I am told, but not in every case to believe it." That strikes me as a reasonable approach, one with a dash of skepticism, but not opposed to embellishing a bit for the sake of a good story.

  

And now with my comments!

 

Dear Pitch Wars Mentor:

Cyrus is a book-addicted 15-year-old boy who wants just one thing: to know his parents. The problem is that they’re dead. Great opener! Also a problem: being home-schooled by his séance-obsessed sister, Jezanna. But when Jezanna’s latest lesson is necromancy – and the homework is bringing Mom back from the dead – Cyrus knows he has to stop her. Love this first paragraph! It's grabby and interesting and reveals just the right amount of plot.

In ARCANUM, a 71,000-word young adult novel of supernatural horror, Move to a last paragraph and add anything else relevant…are you a member of SCBWI, do you work with teens? Add any pertinent details, including comp titles…maybe PARNORMALCY…although that’s a bit old. Also, your tone in this query is a bit snarky (in a good way)…is there humor in the MS? Is Cyrus a smartass? Maybe reflect that here. Paranormal horror with some snark.

 

Start second paragraph with this Cyrus must overcome his sister's betrayal, fight off her psychic followers, and uncover her plans to bring back the souls of the dead. But the hardest part might be learning to trust anyone ever again. This list seems out of order…wouldn’t he uncover her plans before he overcomes her betrayal and fights off her psychic followers?

Move to end of above paragraph. If Cyrus fails, his sister will unleash an ancient evil with plans of its own – and a thirst for the souls of the living. Great!

Thank you for volunteering your time as a Pitch Wars mentor. I hope to hear from you soon!

Best wishes,
Chris Hoerter

 

This is a great start to a query…a tad bit light on details. Maybe add just a teeny bit more…is there a love interest? What does Cyrus want? Just a few more sentences or another paragraph in the middle to round out the story. Not too much though, and what you already have is very good.

 

************************

 

I never knew my mother – she died giving birth to me. But that didn't necessarily mean I wanted to bring her back from the dead. Great opener.

    

I think for a lot of people, that idea would be exciting or something. But believe me, boring is good. Take it from me: If someone wants to give you a Tarot reading, or look at your palm -- don't get me started on Ouija boards -- do yourself a favor and go play a video game.  Maybe even go crazy and read a book. You'll be happy you did. And -- bonus points -- you'll get to live a normal life.

    

Of course, I didn't know all that the night of the séance.

    

I was perched in my favorite tree, reading. Sorry -- I mean, "being home-schooled." The truth was that my sister gave up trying to teach me anything about three years ago, when at the age of 12 I started to get ahead of her in fields like math, biology, and astronomy. Real, scientifically proven sorts of things, which Jezanna knew nothing about. Astrology, on the other hand… -- but I digress. Feels like too much info here, could this info starting with The truth was…be added to a scene a little later? Right now it feels like you’re forcing his smartness on the reader instead of letting it unfold naturally.

    

Anyway, Jezanna's yelling interrupted my everything's-perfect-tree-reading moment.

 

"Cyrus, they're here! Time for the séance!"

    

I rolled my eyes, even though she couldn't see me. She was a long way off still, and I was 10 feet off the ground, resting on the gnarled bark of the old live oak, floating above a cloud of swaying Spanish moss. (Like I said: Perfect.) I went back to Herodotus, who I thought had an undeserved reputation for being a liar. He had what I thought was a pretty good approach to history -- especially when you consider the guy was an ancient Greek. He said, "I am bound to tell what I am told, but not in every case to believe it." That strikes me as a reasonable approach, one with a dash of skepticism, but not opposed to embellishing a bit for the sake of a good story.  Unnecessary and really brings the pacing of the scene crashing to a halt. Bring in the sister, show how un-normal she is…keep the momentum of the idea of bringing back his parents and the impending séance.

 

Thanks again to Chris Hoerter for sharing his work with us!

For the next query visit Kate on her blog on 10/20 at katekaryusquinn.blogspot.com and I’ll have another critique right here next Tuesday!

 

 

Pitchwars Critique – INTO THE PALE

Here is another query critique for one of our pitchwars hopefuls. Thank you so much to Ellie Cypher for sharing with us! Ellie has asked that I critique the first page of her newest WIP, so there’s no query with this one. I’ve posted the full page, then again with my comments.

 

The answer to what freezes first is the eyes.

 

That ain’t something most people would guess. Most folk would say it was the fingers or toes. Or maybe even the guts, if they were out. Once, I’d even heard a man say it was the tongue that froze first. But I know better. Always have.

Raising a gloved hand to my fur lined hood, I tilted my head and looked at the body by my feet.

 

Guess he knew now too.

 

I scuffed my boot across the crystal-flecked surface of the man’s canvas blue jacket. The motion sent small swirls of snow, as fine dust, out into the cold draught around us. The night had froze the man’s breath right across his face. The warm water of his lungs expelled and made real, like a spider’s web. I reached down.

 

Only idiots tried to cross the Ice Flats in the night. Greta had been once again right. Usual. Buried treasure my ass. Only thing out this way was the cold. And death. And hunger. Lots of hunger.

 

“Marjorie!”

 

I started. Shit. Would she not just leave me be? The holler came again. I frowned and jumped up.

 

Way I figured it, anyone dumb or greedy enough to think otherwise pretty much damn well had it coming. It ain’t like they couldn’t see all them grave markers out front. Little grey stone warnings in the permafrost, they made a jagged line of snowy teeth. A boundary line between life and death. Between the Flats and the whole rest of the world.

 

 

Now with my comments!

 

 

The answer to what freezes first is the eyes. I like this first line but maybe simplify to make it more punchy with just, What freezes first are the eyes or, The eyes freeze first.

 

That ain’t something most people would guess. Most folk would say it was the fingers or toes. Or maybe even the guts, if they were out. Once, I’d even heard a man say it was the tongue that froze first. But I know better. Always have. Love this voice and super creepy inner monologue.

 

Raising a gloved hand to my fur lined hood, I tilted my head and looked at the body by my feet.

 

Guess he knew now too.

 

I scuffed my boot across the crystal-flecked surface of the man’s canvas blue jacket. The motion sent small swirls of snow, as fine dust, out into the cold draught around us. Nice! The night had frozen (or keep wrong for voice) the man’s breath right across his face. The warm water of his lungs expelled WC, maybe too a big a word for current voice… and made real, WC solid like a spider’s web. I reached down. And does what? Touches his face, his frozen breath? Or does she just kneel down?

 

Only idiots tried to cross the Ice Flats in the at night. Greta had been once again right. Usual. Buried treasure my ass. Only thing out this way was the cold. And death. And hunger. Lots of hunger.

 

“Marjorie!”

 

I started. Shit. I’m fine with cursing in YA but on the first page might be a little off putting for some…you can make a world building curse that she uses that isn’t actually a bad word. Would she instead of she, maybe a name…is this the Greta mentioned above? not just leave me be? The holler came again. I frowned and jumped up.

 

Way I figured it, anyone dumb or greedy enough to think otherwise pretty much damn well had it coming. It ain’t like they couldn’t see all them grave markers out front. Little grey stone warnings in the permafrost, they made a jagged line of snowy teeth. A boundary line between life and death. Between the Flats and the whole rest of the world. Love this paragraph!

 

This is a very good first page…I would definitely keep reading to see what’s next.

 

Thanks again to Ellie Cypher for sharing her work with us!

For the next query visit Kate on her blog on 10/13 at katekaryusquinn.blogspot.com and I’ll have another critique right here next Tuesday!

 

Pitchwars Query Critique – THE EXILES

Here is another query critique for our pitchwars hopefuls. I’ve pasted the entire query and first page, then again with my comments. Thank you so much to Emily Suarez for sharing with us!

 

 

Dear Mentor,

 

Best friends Lyzzi and Julian have been bounced from one eccentric foster home to the next. Neither can remember much of their pasts, but they suspect there is more to their childhood than what they can remember. The two teens meet Nicky, Julian’s shy new neighbor, and together they stumble into a magical yet familiar world. Thrust out of her comfort zone and into a country warring against a corrupt regime, Nicky makes a dangerous friend while Lyzzi and Julian contend with the truth of who they are as they struggle to survive.

 

For Julian, life was complicated enough without discovering he and his best friend Lyzzi are the exiled heirs to the overthrown monarchy of a magical country. Lyzzi, however, is delighted to find answers and eager to resume her role as heir. Nicky is unwittingly whisked into her new friends' chaos. Separated from the others, she makes a tentative friend in Mytch -- someone she should consider an enemy. Chased by magicians, eerie faeries and werewolves, the teens just need to stay safe long enough for the Rebels to win the ongoing civil war and for Nicky and her family to make it home alive.

 

At 100,000 words complete THE EXILES is a young adult fantasy exploring friendship and loyalty set in a world where every turn leads to danger and new discoveries.

 

Thank you for your consideration.

Emily Suarez

suarez.emilyrose@gmail.com

 

---

 

Chapter One

 

Julian was leaving another home. 

 

He was standing on the cobblestone walk in front of the old shotgun house with ivy creeping over the porch. The street smelled of pot smoke. He hefted the last cardboard box into his arms and hesitated, glancing one last time at the front door. He felt numb as he stared. It was his body’s defense against more change.

 

"You should be used to moving around by now," Abbey said checking his watch. Abbey had been Julian’s caseworker for the last year and a half. "How many different families you been with for the last six years?"

 

Julian frowned and finally turned away from the house. "Why the last six?"

 

Abbey’s brow furrowed and he looked at his watch again as he shrugged. "Six seems like a good number."

 

Julian looked at the man. He dressed like a character out of a steampunk novel with his vintage suits and golden pocket watches. Julian was used to strange people, however. He had been with foster parents that were far stranger than Abbey, but he couldn’t complain -- he had heard horror stories from kids who ended up in abusive homes. He had always been lucky. At sixteen, he couldn't remember a time before he had been in the system, but the worst he had to deal with were a few eccentricities -- strange social habits, a couple who didn’t own cellphones and this last family might have been drug dealers. People were always showing up at odd hours of the night. Julian was vaguely aware that his experiences were unique compared to other state kids, but, unlike his best friend Lyzzi, he tried not to dwell on the strangeness.

 

 

Now with my comments!

 

Dear Mentor,

 

Best friends Lyzzi and Julian have been bounced from one eccentric foster home to the next. Neither can remember much of their pasts, but they suspect there is more to their childhood than what they can remember. Bit blah and vague. How does this memory loss make them feel? Are they disturbed by it, resigned? The two teens meet Nicky, Julian’s shy new neighbor, and together they stumble into a magical yet familiar world. Thrust out of her comfort zone  and into a country warring against a corrupt regime, Nicky makes a dangerous friend while Lyzzi and Julian contend with the truth of who they are as they struggle to survive. Again, this whole paragraph a bit blah…needs to be more catchy. These query summaries aren’t just about this happens then this happens then this happens, they’re about making an agent want to read more! You can be a bit more specific too if it’s something that will hook the reader!

 

For Julian, life was complicated enough without discovering he and his best friend Lyzzi are the exiled heirs to the overthrown monarchy of a magical country. Lyzzi, however, is delighted to find answers and eager to resume her role as heir. Nicky is unwittingly whisked into her new friends' chaos. Separated from the others, she makes a tentative friend in Mytch -- someone she should consider an enemy. Chased by magicians, eerie faeries and werewolves, the teens just need to stay safe long enough for the Rebels to win the ongoing civil war and for Nicky and her family to make it home alive. I’ve seen this a lot…the first two paragraphs seem like they are each a first paragraph…I’m guessing you have alternating perspective? Blend this together with the relevant info from above and think about plot points that will intrigue an agent!

 

At 100,000 words complete THE EXILES is a young adult fantasy exploring friendship and loyalty set in a world where every turn leads to danger and new discoveries. Maybe add some comp titles here. Are you a member of SCBWI? If so add here too.

 

 

Thank you for your consideration.

 

Emily Suarez

suarez.emilyrose@gmail.com

 

This query reads like the story is very MG…very THE LION THE WITCH AND THE WARDROBE. Bring out the YA elements from the story into the query summary. Is there a romance? Add more on the obstacles your characters have to overcome.

---

 

Chapter One

 

Julian was leaving another home. Great first line!

 

He was standing stood on the cobblestone walk in front of the old shotgun house with ivy creeping over the porch. The street smelled of pot smoke. He hefted the last cardboard box into his arms and hesitated, glancing one last time at the front door. He felt numb as he stared. It was his body’s defense against more change.

 

"You should be used to moving around by now," Abbey said checking his is Abbey a male? Shouldn’t he be Mr. Somebody? watch. Abbey had been Julian’s caseworker for the last year and a half. "How many different families you been with for the last six years?"

 

Julian frowned and finally turned away from the house. "Why the last six?"

 

Abbey’s brow furrowed and he looked at his watch again as he shrugged. "Six seems like a good number."

 

Julian looked at the man. He dressed like a character out of a steampunk novel with his vintage suits and golden pocket watches. Julian was used to strange people, however. He had been with foster parents that were far stranger than Abbey, but he couldn’t complain -- he had heard horror stories from kids who ended up in abusive homes. He had always been lucky. At sixteen, he couldn't remember a time before he had been in the system, but the worst he had to deal with were a few eccentricities -- strange social habits, a couple who didn’t own cellphones and this last family might have been drug dealers. Don’t think drug dealers qualify as just a little eccentric. People were always showing up at odd hours of the night. Julian was vaguely aware that his experiences were unique compared to other state kids, but, unlike his best friend Lyzzi, he tried not to dwell on the strangeness.

 

This is good background info on Julian, but for me, this first page doesn’t make me want to keep reading…I don’t get a sense of who Julian is so I’m not sure if I care what happens to him. Perhaps Lyzzi can actually come to see Julian off, and they can have a conversation about their past “eccentric homes.” That way we can get out of the telling mode and see a bit of Julian’s personality, as well as learn organically that Lyzzi is his best friend, instead of just being told. Then I would be invested in his future and want to keep turning those pages!

Thanks again to Emily Suarez for sharing her work with us!

For the next query visit Kate on her blog on 10/6 at katekaryusquinn.blogspot.com and I’ll have another critique right here next Tuesday!

Pitchwars Query Critique - THE KEY OF F

Here is another query critique for our pitchwars hopefuls. I’ve pasted the entire query and first page, then again with my comments. Thank you so much to Jennifer Haskin for sharing with us!

 

Dear Mentor:

 

I read on your bio that you have an interest in young adult fantasy literature. As such, I thought you might enjoy THE KEY OF F, the first novel in my fantasy/romance trilogy; a 75,000- word young adult (16+) novel.

 

After receiving visions of future events, Fale Argodian- an eighteen year old orphan trained as a samurai- learns she was the Princess of Mages in a past life and must go into hiding under the care of a coterie of mages.

 

On an Earth-like planet, in a country named Algea, Fale lives in the Industrial District. It is also home to a dastardly wizard who is using the industrial plant to turn people into machines. When Fale discovers that those metal people are sadistic guards having turned her subjects into slaves in a parallel dimension, she resolves to do anything in her power to rescue them. But to fight the evil, she must enlist the help of a biomechanical man, as well as her two best friends, to find a dimension- opening machine to which only she
has the key.

 

Fale and her three friends have a single goal; find the machine before the head wizard, who will use it to send his metal guard army to conquer new dimensions, stealing their magic and gaining power. What was a race against time becomes a battle when evil henchmen attempt to abduct Fale and her key. The head wizard’s men begin appearing, as do Fale’s powers and the situation complicates for all. Now Fale must fight the wizards, learn her history with the mages, remain hidden, practice her new powers, and find the machine, all while becoming more than friends with her handsome biomechanical roommate. THE KEY OF F will appeal to fans of Sarah J. Maas’ THRONE OF GLASS or S.J. West’s VANKARA and DRAGON
ALLIANCE.

 

Jennifer lives in Olathe, Kansas and is writing full time. She is a published poet for Lodestar, Inklings and Read magazine. You can learn more about her personally on her Facebook page at: www.facebook.com/Jenni.Willis.Haskin She is happy to send her complete manuscript for your review.

 

Thank you for your time.

Sincerely,

Jennifer Haskin
www.facebook.com/FreedomFightTrilogy

 

 

The Key of F
Freedom Fight Trilogy #1
By Jennifer Haskin

Chapter 1

 

      It wasn’t the twin moons of Thera, or their six month eclipse that drove Fale inside; it wasn’t even the spring chill. She had dreamt of a war; one that she had never been in, and yet she had led the army. Today she wanted to be around people she knew and trusted. She thought her city was safe. Still, tingles ran the length of her arms, warning her that something sinister was inevitable. She shook her limbs to ward off the tremors of edgy nerves and pushed through the glass door. Immediately she felt the thump of a low and steady bass guitar, as a musical lament rang through the smoky antechamber. A torrid blast of heat hit Fale in the face as she entered the pub during its lunchtime press. This place is like a sauna, she thought as she scanned the room looking for her party. Her friends were hard to find in the boisterous crowd. She sidled down the bar to the back booths and found them, waving and calling her name over the noise.

     “Fale!” yelled her best friend, a beautiful young woman with chocolate eyes and copper skin. “Hurry up, lunch is almost over.” Fale smiled brightly as their friend, Keron, stepped out of the booth for her to slide in. The seats, once a vibrant red leather, were now dull and cracked with wear.
     “Sorry, Izzy.” They hugged briefly. “How were your morning classes?” she shouted above the noise of the deafening full table next to them.

 

And now with my comments!

 

Dear Mentor: For Pitchwars, this is fine and you probably already know this, but make sure the agents name is here…and correct! J

 

I read on your bio that you have an interest in young adult fantasy literature. As such, I thought you might enjoy THE KEY OF F, the first novel in my fantasy/romance trilogy; a 75,000- word young adult (16+) usually YAs are 12 and up or 14 and up…you’re really limiting yourself with 16+ because kids usually read up…even the more graphic novels that deal with sex and violence and have course language are usually 14+ novel.

 

I would move this whole sentence to the end. You also want to make sure that this novel can stand alone in case an agent/publisher doesn’t want to take on a trilogy. Usually you would add to the end, with series potential. If an agent is interested, then you can share your trilogy ideas and they will discuss with you what they think about pitching it as a series.

 

After receiving visions of future events, Fale Argodian- an eighteen year old orphan trained as a samurai- learns she was the Princess of Mages in a past life and must go into hiding under the care of a coterie of mages. This sentence tells a lot and gets the plot out there, which is excellent, but you want to do it in a more dynamic hooky way! What are the visions? Usually you wouldn’t think of an eighteen year old as an orphan…since they’re basically a grown up…is there a reason the MC isn’t seventeen or sixteen to ground it more firmly in YA?

 

On an Earth-like planet, If this is fantasy, you don’t have to specify…this makes it sound more sci-fi in a country named Algea, Fale lives in the Industrial District. It is also home to a dastardly wizard who is using the industrial plant to turn people into machines. When Fale discovers that those metal people are sadistic guards having turned her subjects into slaves in a parallel dimension, she resolves to do anything in her power to rescue them. Confusing…the metal people are sadistic? Who is she trying to save? Why does she care about this other dimension? But to fight the evil, she must enlist the help of a biomechanical man, as well as her two best friends, to find a dimension- opening machine to which only she has the key. This second paragraph seem like another first paragraph! Is this the same story as above? J Blend all this info together.

 

Fale Just pointing out that Fale sounds like Fail…you might want to think about that and her three friends have a single goal; find the machine before the head wizard, who will use it to send his metal guard army to conquer new dimensions, stealing their magic and gaining power. What was a race against time becomes a battle with? when evil henchmen attempt to abduct Fale and her key. The head wizard’s men begin appearing, as do Fale’s powers and the situation complicates for all. Now Fale must fight the wizards, learn her history with the mages, remain hidden, practice her new powers, and find the machine, all while becoming more than friends bit bland…spruce it up! with her handsome biomechanical roommate. THE KEY OF F will appeal to fans of Sarah J. Maas’ THRONE OF GLASS or S.J. West’s VANKARA and DRAGON
ALLIANCE. Great comp titles!

 

This whole summary is a bit…garbled. You have info in there, but it doesn’t all seem to be the right info? Even seasoned authors have trouble writing short summaries, it’s difficult to decide what to put in and what not to. It’s also hard to walk the line between hooking the reader and getting all the info needed. Think about the back of books (or the jacket) and try to write one for your story…then flesh it out with pertinent info and you have your query summary!

 

Jennifer lives in Olathe, Kansas and is writing full time. She is a published poet for Lodestar, Inklings and Read magazine. You can learn more about her personally on her Facebook page at: www.facebook.com/Jenni.Willis.Haskin She is happy to send her complete manuscript for your review. In a query this should be in first person…where you live is totally not important and I’ve never seen anyone put their fb page in a query. Add in the book info from the first para and cut the unnecessary info from this one.

 

Thank you for your time. It’s always good to be polite!

Sincerely,

Jennifer Haskin
www.facebook.com/FreedomFightTrilogy Oh, this is interesting you already have a fb fan page. By saying trilogy instead of series or book, you’re limiting yourself. I mentioned and agent/publisher might want a standalone, but they also might want more than three books.

 

 

The Key of F
Freedom Fight Trilogy #1
By Jennifer Haskin

Chapter 1

 

      It wasn’t the twin moons of Thera, or their six month eclipse that drove Fale inside; why would this drive her inside at all? The darkness? it wasn’t even the spring chill. She had dreamt of a war;When? Last night or a vision? one that she had never been in, and yet she had led the army. / Today she wanted to be around people she knew and trusted. She thought her city was safe. Still, tingles ran the length of her arms, warning her that something sinister was inevitable. Awkward sentence She shook her limbs to ward off the tremors of edgy nerves and pushed through the glass door.into the tavern or pub or whatever / Immediately she felt the thump of a low and steady bass guitar, as a musical lament rang through the smoky antechamber. A torrid blast of heat hit Fale in the face as she entered the pub during its lunchtime press. This place is like a sauna, she thought as she scanned the room looking for her party. Her friends were hard to find in the boisterous crowd. She sidled down the bar to the back booths and found them, waving and calling her name over the noise. This is the LONGEST first paragraph ever! Put / where I thought you could break it up.

     “Fale!” yelled her best friend, a beautiful young woman with chocolate eyes and copper skin.Would Fale think these things…what about her is “beautiful?” “Hurry up, lunch is almost over.” Fale smiled brightly as their friend, Keron, stepped out of the booth for her to slide in. The seats, once a vibrant red leather, were now dull and cracked with wear.
     “Sorry, Izzy.”Sorry for what? They hugged briefly. “How were your morning classes?” she shouted above the noise of the deafening full table next to them.

So this beginning isn’t very dynamic…why not start with Fale’s dream/vision. A war scene!? Yes please. What did she see? Why did it freak her out more so than any other nightmare? Then you can ease the reader into Fale’s life/friends.

Thanks again to Jennifer Haskin for sharing her work with us!

For the next query visit Kate on her blog on 9/29 at katekaryusquinn.blogspot.com and I’ll have another critique right here next Tuesday!

Pitchwars Query Critique – THE ORPHAN RESISTANCE

Here is another query critique for one of our pitchwars hopefuls. I’ve pasted the entire query and first page, then again with my comments. Thank you so much to Greg Schwartz for sharing with us!

 

In the near future, a catastrophic virus covers the world and decimates the American population, affecting only those who have entered puberty. Dubbed “Orphan,” the virus leaves the few survivors sterile and in need of constant transfusions. With uninfected children remaining as the sole source of clean blood, a rift soon forms between the generations leading to widespread violence and disappearances.

Ten years after Orphan, a boy wakes up in the back of a transport truck with no memories of his life. Upon arriving at a military installation, he learns his blood may contain the cure for those left symptomatic a decade earlier. Imprisoned in the bowels of the compound, the boy has no choice but surrender to the experiments of a strange doctor.

After spending barely more than twenty four hours captive, a botched breakout led by a dissenting faction of adults leaves the boy stranded on the surface. Alone in a world full of empty streets and abandoned buildings, fatigue and dehydration soon sap his strength. While hiding under a bush with his consciousness fading, two teenagers discover the boy and carry him back to their resistance: a group of children doing whatever it takes to survive in a world where the old prey on the young.

At 62,000 words, THE ORPHAN RESISTANCE is *Lord of the Flies* meets *The Hunger Games* with a touch of *Bourne*: a completed and polished YA post-apocalyptic, dystopian novel.

I am a summa cum laude graduate of the University of Massachusetts at Amherst’s English program with a specialization in creative writing. I have been writing for twelve years, eight of which have been dedicated solely to my own projects. I have had poetry published in the undergraduate journal Jabberwocky (Spring, 2014), and had my short story “The Girl of the Rising Sun” featured in a showcase (Spring, 2014).

Thank you very much for your time. I can’t wait to hear back and (hopefully) work with you!

Sincerely,
Greg Schwartz

 

1.

A violent bounce returned him to consciousness. 

Dull throbs echoed through his head. For several moments he could only grasp his own existence, until another bounce shook enough of the drowsiness away to offer some lucidity. 

His eyes drifted open to two bare feet—his feet, given how the toes wiggled at his command. He shifted his gaze and spotted a pair of black combat boots to the right, and then a pair of combat boots to the left. 

An ache in his back prompted him to try stretching, and the boy found himself wrapped in a white straitjacket. He strained against the restraints for a second or two, then submitted to fatigue. Neither pair of boots flanking him had moved an inch.

Steady rain pelted the roof and mixed with the loud drone of a diesel engine. The whole truck rattled and shook as it sped through the night.

Continuing to stare at his feet, the boy wondered where he was and—following that—where he was going. That made him wonder why he was going wherever he was going. As he tried to recall the events leading to his imprisonment, his body tensed with the realization that he didn’t know his own name.

The boy raised his gaze and found an unblinking pair of eyes opposite him. They belonged to a man—the darkness obscured most of his features, but the boy guessed he must’ve been in his forties. The silhouette revealed a cap and uniform, perhaps an officer’s. The world outside whizzed by behind the officer’s head, illuminated every now and then by orange streetlights. For a brief instant, the boy thought he saw the glint of stars stitched onto the man’s shoulders, but the darkness returned too quickly to know for certain.

 

And now with my comments!

 

 

In the near future, a catastrophic virus covers the world and decimates the American population, affecting only those who have entered puberty. Entered or gone through? Is this MG or YA…because if it’s entered than it would affect anyone over the age of 12ish? Dubbed “Orphan,” the virus leaves the few survivors sterile and in need of constant transfusions. Why are there few survivors…what else does the virus do? Seems important to get that info in here. If it’s called Orphan, (great name!) I’m assuming most of the adults are dead? With uninfected children remaining as the sole source of clean blood, a rift soon forms between the generations leading to widespread violence and disappearances. Why do the survivors need “clean” blood? I appreciate you trying to avoid an info-dump but this could use a few specifics.

Ten years after Orphan, a boy so a child, not a teen? wakes up in the back of a transport truck with no memories of his life. Upon arriving at a military installation, he learns his blood may contain the cure for those left symptomatic a decade earlier. Imprisoned in the bowels of the compound, the boy has no choice but surrender to the experiments of a strange doctor.

After spending barely more than twenty four hours captive, Very wordy, maybe just say soon? a botched breakout led by a dissenting faction of adults leaves the boy stranded on the surface. Alone in a world full of empty streets and abandoned buildings, fatigue and dehydration soon sap his strength. While hiding under a bush with his consciousness fading, two teenagers discover the boy and carry him back to their resistance: a group of children doing whatever it takes to survive in a world where the old prey on the young. But wouldn’t the teens need “clean” blood too? Needs clarification.

At 62,000 words, THE ORPHAN RESISTANCE is *Lord of the Flies* meets *The Hunger Games* The HUNGER GAMES are done and very overused…I would caution against naming them a comp title with a touch of *Bourne*: a completed and polished YA post-apocalyptic, dystopian dystopian has become a bad word in publishing, would just leave it at post-apocalyptic novel. Would rewrite to tighten up this sentence.

I am a summa cum laude graduate of the University of Massachusetts at Amherst’s English program with a specialization in creative writing. I have been writing for twelve years, eight of which have been dedicated solely to my own projects. I have had poetry published in the undergraduate journal Jabberwocky (Spring, 2014), and had my short story “The Girl of the Rising Sun” featured in a showcase (Spring, 2014). This is great!

Thank you very much for your time. I can’t wait to hear back and (hopefully) work with you!

Sincerely,
Greg Schwartz

 

This is overall very good with a few tweaks needed. The only general critique is that the boy seems to be very passive in this short summary…things happen to him instead of him making choices that push the plot forward. Not sure if it’s just in this summary or in your story, so you might want to think about that and perhaps tweak the short summary to make the boy more active.

 

1.

A violent bounce returned him to consciousness. 

Dull throbs echoed through his head. For several moments he could only grasp his own existence, until another bounce shook enough of the drowsiness away to offer some lucidity. 

His eyes drifted open to two bare feet—his feet, given how the toes wiggled at his command. He shifted his gaze and spotted a pair of black combat boots to the right, and then a pair of combat boots to the left. 

An ache in his back prompted him to try stretching, and the boy found himself wrapped in a white straitjacket. Would he know what a straitjacket was? He strained against the restraints for a second or two, then submitted to fatigue. Neither pair of boots flanking him had moved an inch.

Steady rain pelted the roof and mixed with the loud drone of a diesel engine. The whole truck rattled and shook as it sped through the night. The reader, and presumably, the boy, doesn’t know he’s in a truck. He should probably deduce this?

Continuing to stare at his feet, the boy wondered where he was and—following that—where he was going. That made him wonder why he was going wherever he was going. As he tried to recall the events leading to his imprisonment, his body tensed with the realization that he didn’t know his own name. But he knows what a straightjacket is and a truck? Perhaps he should realize this too.

The boy raised his gaze and found an unblinking pair of eyes opposite him. They belonged to a man—the darkness obscured most of his features, but the boy guessed he must’ve been in his forties. The silhouette revealed a cap and uniform, perhaps an officer’s. The world outside whizzed by behind the officer’s head, illuminated every now and then by orange streetlights. For a brief instant, the boy thought he saw the glint of stars stitched onto the man’s shoulders, but the darkness returned too quickly to know for certain.

This is a good scene but I feel the focus could be more on the boy realizing he’s 1)imprisoned 2)being taken somewhere and 3)has no memories. You can really hit these points harder…get some more of his confusion, maybe even panic. He seems very calm and assessing. He even realizes the one guy is an officer! I think that’s a little much. The hint with the stars on his shoulders is enough for the reader. The boys should be more concerned with other things…like wondering WTF!?

Also, a lot of action-y YA is in present tense…which lends itself well to keep pacing moving forward. You might want to consider seeing if that works for you.

 

Thanks again to Gregory Schwarz for sharing his work with us!

For the next query visit Kate on her blog on 9/22 at katekaryusquinn.blogspot.com and I’ll have another critique right here next Tuesday!

 

 

Pitchwars Query Critique - WHISPERS

Here is the first query critique for our pitchwars hopefuls. I’ve pasted the entire query and first page, then again with my comments. Thank you so much to Kailey Steward for sharing her query for WHISPERS with us!

Whispers is an 85,000 word biblically inspired YA fantasy.
 
Thousands of years ago Adam and Eve were banished from Paradise, along with the rest of humanity. After their exile they split into two groups, now known as Demons.
 
Ariella knows none of this. All she knows is she struggles with her own demons, both literal and metaphorical. She has been isolated and ignored by her family because of her ability to hear the thoughts and emotions of others. She suffers from depression and self-harm disorder because of this.
 
Since she’s been pushed to the fringes of her world, she has never had a friend. When her family moves to a new town she does not expect that to change. On her first day she meets Jamie who, despite her closed off personality, is determined to befriend her.
 
Soon she can tell Jamie is keeping secrets from her, and she sets out to figure out what those are. Her world is changing and with or without his help she needs to figure out what that means. She doesn’t have much of a choice. The demons are coming and they have a plan. If she doesn’t work out her power and come to terms with herself, it’s more than her life at risk.
 
I feel this book would appeal to fans of Cassandra Clare’s The Mortal Instruments, Rachel Vincent’s Soul Screamers and Jennifer Estep’s Mythos Academy.
 
I am a twenty year old college junior and I have been writing since I was sixteen. I attend Butler University in Indianapolis where I am an English Creative Writing major. I also run a blog called In the Land of Pages on WordPress where I talk about books and writing.
 
Thank you for your time and consideration,
 
Kailey Steward

Most of the time I hide in my room. My room is quiet, it’s safe, the only real place in the world that is. In my room, my thoughts are my own. I’m not stuck with everyone’s voices or feelings bombarding me all at once. In my room, the only voice I hear is my own, and the musicians I listen to.

My music has saved my sanity more than once. Music is safe, like my room. The lyrics, they tell me my story. Sometimes I just put my headphones in, and listen. The words are soothing, no matter the genre. I listen to anything and everything. If it has decent lyrics and a good beat I’ll let it play. Rock, country, punk, rap, pop, alt . . . I listen to all of it. Music is my best friend because I let the lyrics tell me my story. They speak the things I’m afraid to say myself.

My room, and my music, they are my only safe places. I wish I could hide here forever, but I know I can’t. I’ll have to go out again, and face my family, face my new classmates, face the world. It wouldn’t be a problem if I didn’t also have to face their thoughts.

I sigh, staring up at the exposed beams of the ceiling. I know it’s unhealthy to hide, but I do. The voices aren’t the only reason, but they are the majority of it. For the millionth time I regret that I have no way of blocking out what they’re all thinking. I can’t protect myself from what they are all wishing for, begging for, dreaming for, even if it is only in their own minds. I wish more than anything that I could just tune them out, forever. I hate knowing what people are thinking. Thoughts are supposed to be private, and I’m invading that privacy. You’re supposed to be safe inside your mind, and with me around, no one ever is.

 

And now with my comments!

 

Whispers is an 85,000 word biblically inspired YA fantasy. I like when queries get right into the meat of the MS, so I would move this to the last paragraph.

 

Thousands of years ago Adam and Eve were banished from Paradise, along with the rest of humanity. After their exile they split into two groups, now known as Demons. A little unclear, are both groups demons or is it humans and demons?

 

Ariella knows none of this. All she knows is she struggles with her own demons, both literal and metaphorical. She has been isolated and ignored by her family because of her ability to hear the thoughts and emotions of others. She suffers from depression and self-harm disorder because of this. End this sentence with something more grabby…maybe that she feels completely alone, or that she is going insane, or there is no hope…pull from the MS.

 

Since she’s been pushed to the fringes of her world, Has she also isolated herself? This sentence is vague…be more specific! she has never had a friend. When her family moves to a new town she does not expect that to change. On her first day she meets Jamie who, despite her closed off personality, is determined to befriend her. Is Jamie a boy a girl? Is this just a friend or a love interest? This relationship needs a few more sentences in this summary.

 

Soon she can tell Jamie is keeping secrets from her, and she sets out to figure out what those are. Her world is changing and with or without his Okay, so Jamie is a boy! help she needs to figure out what that means. She doesn’t have much of a choice. The demons are coming and they have a plan. If she doesn’t work out her power and come to terms with herself, it’s more than her life at risk. One more sentence! What is at risk? The world?

 

I feel this book would WHISPERS will appeal to fans of Cassandra Clare’s The Mortal Instruments, Rachel Vincent’s Soul Screamers and Jennifer Estep’s Mythos Academy.

 

I am a twenty year old college junior and I have been writing since I was sixteen.   I attend Butler University in Indianapolis where I am an English Creative Writing major. I also run a blog called In the Land of Pages on WordPress where I talk about books and writing.

Thank you for your time and consideration,

Kailey Steward

 

Most of the time I hide in my room. Love this first sentence! My room is quiet, it’s safe, the only real place in the world that is. In my room, my thoughts are my own. I’m not stuck with everyone’s voices or feelings bombarding me all at once. In my room, the only voice I hear is my own, and the musicians I listen to.

My music has saved my sanity more than once. Music is safe, like my room. The lyrics, they tell me my story. Sometimes I just put my headphones in, Headphones on, or earbuds in? and listen. The words are soothing, no matter the genre. I listen to anything and everything. If it has decent lyrics and a good beat I’ll let it play. Rock, country, punk, rap, pop, alt . . . I listen to all of it. Music is my best friend because I let the lyrics tell me my story. They speak the things I’m afraid to say myself. Love this!

My room, and my music, they are my only safe places. I wish I could hide here forever, but I know I can’t. I’ll have to go out again, and face my family, face my new classmates, face the world. It wouldn’t be a problem if I didn’t also have to face their thoughts.

I sigh, staring up at the exposed beams of the ceiling. I know it’s unhealthy to hide, but I do. The voices aren’t the only reason, but they are the majority of it. For the millionth time I regret that I have no way of blocking out what they’re all thinking. I can’t protect myself from what they are all wishing for, begging for, dreaming for, even if it is only in their own minds. I wish more than anything that I could just tune them out, forever. I hate knowing what people are thinking. Thoughts are supposed to be private, and I’m invading that privacy. You’re supposed to be safe inside your mind, and with me around, no one ever is.

 

There is some great character building in this bit, but this first scene seems more like it may be a second scene. Perhaps start the MS with us seeing her reaction to her someone’s thoughts, how much it disturbs her, how she has to run and hide, then go into the explanation of how she finds comfort in her music.

 

For the next query visit Kate on her blog on 9/15 at katekaryusquinn.blogspot.com and I’ll have another critique right here next Tuesday!