Query Critique

The following is a query by Becky Wallace over at What’s Your Thought On That. Thanks for letting me critique your query Becky!

            Dear Ms./Mr.  Agent:

[Some personalized blurb I’ve pulled from their Web site or blog.]  

Everyone wants a piece of Sam Oliveira.  Cheerleaders fawn over him, college baseball scouts covet him, and his mother is grooming him to take over the family business.  All of which would be totally awesome, if his potential employer wasn’t a ruthless drug lord. 

Sam's inherited a preternatural talent that lets him see brief glimpses of the future.  It's a skill the cartel intends to exploit, whether or not Sam chooses to work for them.   

Not that his visions are all that helpful.  Everything Sam sees is hazy and confusing—except when the subject is his calculus tutor, Gabby Wilkins.  Instead of super hot fantasies, Sam witnesses her death at the hands of a faceless stalker.  The harder he tries to pull the vision into focus the worse his migraines and barfing episodes become. And he can’t figure out how to protect Gabby without exposing his gift and scaring her away.

Two people can give Sam the training he needs to pin down the details of Gabby's attack:  a relative who's unwilling to take Sam on as a student, or the cartel boss who will require a lifetime of servitude in return. Neither are appealing options, but Sam is running out of time.

SAW IT COMING is a YA paranormal romance complete at 65,000 words.  It tracks Sam's attempts to do the right thing without getting himself, or anyone else for that matter, killed.

Thanks for your time,

Becky Wallace

Here it is again, my comments are italicized and purpley.

            Dear Ms./Mr.  Agent:

[Some personalized blurb I’ve pulled from their Web site or blog.] Leave this out and start right into the hook below.

Everyone wants a piece of Sam Oliveira.  Cheerleaders fawn over him, college baseball scouts covet him, and his mother is grooming him to take over the family business.  All of which would be totally awesome, if his potential employer wasn’t a ruthless drug lord.  This is an excellent hook. It makes you want to know what happens.

Sam's inherited ß This word seems strange here. I’m guessing you mean genetically? Has he had this talent from birth, is it new?  a preternatural talent that lets him see brief glimpses of the future.  It's a skill the cartel intends to exploit, whether or not Sam chooses to work for them.   

Not that his visions are all that helpful. ß This sentence seems out of place, and doesn’t really connect the following to the above. Could use a stronger sentence or cut and move the following up while adding an adverb, like unfortunately.  Everything Sam sees is hazy and confusing—except when the subject is his calculus tutor, Gabby Wilkins.  Instead of super hot fantasies, Sam witnesses her death at the hands of a faceless stalker.  The harder he tries to pull the vision into focus the worse his migraines and barfing episodes become. And he can’t figure out how to protect Gabby without exposing his gift and scaring her away. Great summary. Keeps the reader’s attention and makes us want to know more.

Two people can give Sam the training he needs to pin down the details of Gabby's attack: a relative who's unwilling to take Sam on as a student, or the cartel boss who will require a lifetime of servitude in return. this sentence reads a little  awkwardly. Maybe work on the sentence structure.  Neither are appealing options, but Sam is This needs something… quickly, desperate and, frustrated and running out of time.

SAW IT COMING is a YA paranormal romance complete at 65,000 words.  It tracks ßword choice Sam's attempts to do the right thing without getting himself, or anyone else for that matter, killed. This last sentence is kind of a let down after your great summary of the book. It could be cut. Mention what you are including if anything (some agent request a couple of pages with a query) and that you would be happy to send additional pages upon request.

Thanks thank you is a little more professional for your time,

Becky Wallace

Overall, I think this is a great query. The story sounds interesting and makes me want to read more. The only other advice I have to get to the name of the book, as well as the genre a bit sooner in the query. Leave the hook first, it’s really good, but the rest of the summary can flow from an introduction to the title and genre. Anyone who reads my blog knows I don’t like to “re-write” people’s work, but here is an example:

Everyone wants a piece of Sam Oliveira.  Cheerleaders fawn over him, college baseball scouts covet him, and his mother is grooming him to take over the family business.  All of which would be totally awesome, if his potential employer wasn’t a ruthless drug lord. 

In the YA paranormal romance, Saw It Coming, Sam has inherited a preternatural talent that lets him see brief glimpses of the future.  It's a skill the cartel intends to exploit, whether or not Sam chooses to work for them.  

Then take out the YA paranormal romance bit in the closing, but leave in the title. It’s good to remind them what the name of your book is.

Any comments? Suggestions? Agree? Disagree? Help Becky with some feedback.