Tuesday, September 13, 2016

Pitchwars Query Critique - WHISPERS



Here is the first query critique for our pitchwars hopefuls. I’ve pasted the entire query and first page, then again with my comments. Thank you so much to Kailey Steward for sharing her query for WHISPERS with us!

Whispers is an 85,000 word biblically inspired YA fantasy.
 
Thousands of years ago Adam and Eve were banished from Paradise, along with the rest of humanity. After their exile they split into two groups, now known as Demons.
 
Ariella knows none of this. All she knows is she struggles with her own demons, both literal and metaphorical. She has been isolated and ignored by her family because of her ability to hear the thoughts and emotions of others. She suffers from depression and self-harm disorder because of this.
 
Since she’s been pushed to the fringes of her world, she has never had a friend. When her family moves to a new town she does not expect that to change. On her first day she meets Jamie who, despite her closed off personality, is determined to befriend her.
 
Soon she can tell Jamie is keeping secrets from her, and she sets out to figure out what those are. Her world is changing and with or without his help she needs to figure out what that means. She doesn’t have much of a choice. The demons are coming and they have a plan. If she doesn’t work out her power and come to terms with herself, it’s more than her life at risk.
 
I feel this book would appeal to fans of Cassandra Clare’s The Mortal Instruments, Rachel Vincent’s Soul Screamers and Jennifer Estep’s Mythos Academy.
 
I am a twenty year old college junior and I have been writing since I was sixteen. I attend Butler University in Indianapolis where I am an English Creative Writing major. I also run a blog called In the Land of Pages on WordPress where I talk about books and writing.
 
Thank you for your time and consideration,
 
Kailey Steward


Most of the time I hide in my room. My room is quiet, it’s safe, the only real place in the world that is. In my room, my thoughts are my own. I’m not stuck with everyone’s voices or feelings bombarding me all at once. In my room, the only voice I hear is my own, and the musicians I listen to.
My music has saved my sanity more than once. Music is safe, like my room. The lyrics, they tell me my story. Sometimes I just put my headphones in, and listen. The words are soothing, no matter the genre. I listen to anything and everything. If it has decent lyrics and a good beat I’ll let it play. Rock, country, punk, rap, pop, alt . . . I listen to all of it. Music is my best friend because I let the lyrics tell me my story. They speak the things I’m afraid to say myself.
My room, and my music, they are my only safe places. I wish I could hide here forever, but I know I can’t. I’ll have to go out again, and face my family, face my new classmates, face the world. It wouldn’t be a problem if I didn’t also have to face their thoughts.
I sigh, staring up at the exposed beams of the ceiling. I know it’s unhealthy to hide, but I do. The voices aren’t the only reason, but they are the majority of it. For the millionth time I regret that I have no way of blocking out what they’re all thinking. I can’t protect myself from what they are all wishing for, begging for, dreaming for, even if it is only in their own minds. I wish more than anything that I could just tune them out, forever. I hate knowing what people are thinking. Thoughts are supposed to be private, and I’m invading that privacy. You’re supposed to be safe inside your mind, and with me around, no one ever is.
 
And now with my comments!
 
Whispers is an 85,000 word biblically inspired YA fantasy. I like when queries get right into the meat of the MS, so I would move this to the last paragraph.
 
Thousands of years ago Adam and Eve were banished from Paradise, along with the rest of humanity. After their exile they split into two groups, now known as Demons. A little unclear, are both groups demons or is it humans and demons?
 
Ariella knows none of this. All she knows is she struggles with her own demons, both literal and metaphorical. She has been isolated and ignored by her family because of her ability to hear the thoughts and emotions of others. She suffers from depression and self-harm disorder because of this. End this sentence with something more grabby…maybe that she feels completely alone, or that she is going insane, or there is no hope…pull from the MS.
 
Since she’s been pushed to the fringes of her world, Has she also isolated herself? This sentence is vague…be more specific! she has never had a friend. When her family moves to a new town she does not expect that to change. On her first day she meets Jamie who, despite her closed off personality, is determined to befriend her. Is Jamie a boy a girl? Is this just a friend or a love interest? This relationship needs a few more sentences in this summary.
 
Soon she can tell Jamie is keeping secrets from her, and she sets out to figure out what those are. Her world is changing and with or without his Okay, so Jamie is a boy! help she needs to figure out what that means. She doesn’t have much of a choice. The demons are coming and they have a plan. If she doesn’t work out her power and come to terms with herself, it’s more than her life at risk. One more sentence! What is at risk? The world?
 
I feel this book would WHISPERS will appeal to fans of Cassandra Clare’s The Mortal Instruments, Rachel Vincent’s Soul Screamers and Jennifer Estep’s Mythos Academy.
 
I am a twenty year old college junior and I have been writing since I was sixteen.   I attend Butler University in Indianapolis where I am an English Creative Writing major. I also run a blog called In the Land of Pages on WordPress where I talk about books and writing.
Thank you for your time and consideration,
Kailey Steward
 
Most of the time I hide in my room. Love this first sentence! My room is quiet, it’s safe, the only real place in the world that is. In my room, my thoughts are my own. I’m not stuck with everyone’s voices or feelings bombarding me all at once. In my room, the only voice I hear is my own, and the musicians I listen to.
My music has saved my sanity more than once. Music is safe, like my room. The lyrics, they tell me my story. Sometimes I just put my headphones in, Headphones on, or earbuds in? and listen. The words are soothing, no matter the genre. I listen to anything and everything. If it has decent lyrics and a good beat I’ll let it play. Rock, country, punk, rap, pop, alt . . . I listen to all of it. Music is my best friend because I let the lyrics tell me my story. They speak the things I’m afraid to say myself. Love this!
My room, and my music, they are my only safe places. I wish I could hide here forever, but I know I can’t. I’ll have to go out again, and face my family, face my new classmates, face the world. It wouldn’t be a problem if I didn’t also have to face their thoughts.
I sigh, staring up at the exposed beams of the ceiling. I know it’s unhealthy to hide, but I do. The voices aren’t the only reason, but they are the majority of it. For the millionth time I regret that I have no way of blocking out what they’re all thinking. I can’t protect myself from what they are all wishing for, begging for, dreaming for, even if it is only in their own minds. I wish more than anything that I could just tune them out, forever. I hate knowing what people are thinking. Thoughts are supposed to be private, and I’m invading that privacy. You’re supposed to be safe inside your mind, and with me around, no one ever is.
 
There is some great character building in this bit, but this first scene seems more like it may be a second scene. Perhaps start the MS with us seeing her reaction to her someone’s thoughts, how much it disturbs her, how she has to run and hide, then go into the explanation of how she finds comfort in her music.
 
For the next query visit Kate on her blog on 9/15 at katekaryusquinn.blogspot.com and I’ll have another critique right here next Tuesday!

13 comments:

  1. Interesting premise, and I think your comments are spot on and constructive.

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    Replies
    1. Five weeks ago my boyfriend broke up with me. It all started when i went to summer camp i was trying to contact him but it was not going through. So when I came back from camp I saw him with a young lady kissing in his bed room, I was frustrated and it gave me a sleepless night. I thought he will come back to apologies but he didn't come for almost three week i was really hurt but i thank Dr.Azuka for all he did i met Dr.Azuka during my search at the internet i decided to contact him on his email dr.azukasolutionhome@gmail.com he brought my boyfriend back to me just within 48 hours i am really happy. 

      Delete
  2. Thanks for doing this -- and thanks to Kailey too! This will be helpful not only for the participants, but also for anyone else who submitted, or who is thinking of submitting next time.

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  3. A really very detailed and informative post i liked reading it all. thanks for making efforts in presenting us with such inspiring posts.

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  4. After being in relationship with Wilson for seven years,he broke up with me, I did everything possible to bring him back but all was in vain, I wanted him back so much because of the love I have for him, I begged him with everything, I made promises but he refused. I explained my problem to someone online and she suggested that I should contact a spell caster that could help me cast a spell to bring him back but I am the type that don't believed in spell, I had no choice than to try it, I meant a spell caster called Dr AKHERE and I email him, and he told me there was no problem that everything will be okay before three days, that my ex will return to me before three days, he cast the spell and surprisingly in the second day, it was around 4pm. My ex called me, I was so surprised, I answered the call and all he said was that he was so sorry for everything that happened, that he wanted me to return to him, that he loves me so much. I was so happy and went to him, that was how we started living together happily again. Since then, I have made promise that anybody I know that have a relationship problem, I would be of help to such person by referring him or her to the only real and powerful spell caster who helped me with my own problem and who is different from all the fake ones out there. Anybody could need the help of the spell caster, his email: AKHERETEMPLE@gmail.com
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    ReplyDelete
  5. I am so happy, i never believe i will be this happy again in life, I was working as an air-hoster ( cabby crew ) for 3years but early this year, i loose my job because of this deadly disease called Herpes virus (HSV), I never felt sick or have any symptom, till all workers were ask to bring their doctors report, that was how i got tested and i found out that am HSV positive that make me loose my job, because it was consider as an STD and is incurable disease, i was so depress was thinking of committing suicide, till i explain to a friend of mine, who always said to me a problem share is a problem solved, that was how she directed me to Dr Isibor, that was how i contacted him and get the medication from this doctor and i got cured for real, I just went back to my work and they also carry out the test to be real sure and i was negative. Please contact this doctor if you are herpes positive diseases his email is: drisiborspellhome@gmail.com

    ReplyDelete
  6. PRIEST DR OGBE SPELL CASTER WHO CAN HELP YOU WITH LOVE-SPELL TO GET YOUR EX LOVER BACK URGENTLY AFTER BREAKUP/DIVORCE EVEN IF YOUR SITUATION SEEMS HOPELESS! CONTACT:[ priestogbe@gmail.com] IS CERTAINLY THE BEST SPELL CASTER ONLINE AND HIS RESULT IS 100% GUARANTEE.via whatapp +2348140392788

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    ReplyDelete
  7. PRIEST DR OGBE SPELL CASTER WHO CAN HELP YOU WITH LOVE-SPELL TO GET YOUR EX LOVER BACK URGENTLY AFTER BREAKUP/DIVORCE EVEN IF YOUR SITUATION SEEMS HOPELESS! CONTACT:[ priestogbe@gmail.com] IS CERTAINLY THE BEST SPELL CASTER ONLINE AND HIS RESULT IS 100% GUARANTEE.via whatapp +2348140392788

    VIA Email: priestogbe@gmail.com
    VIA WHATAPP+2348140392788


    i am so happy my Husband is back, through the help of a wonderful spell caster called (Priest Ogbe ). Seriously i was flattened when my Husband of 8 years left to be with another woman in Texas. I cried and sobbed every day, until it got so bad that I couldn't bear it anymore. and i reached out to the Internet for help, until i hit on the real thing, and that is you Priest Ogbe I almost gave up trying to get my Ex Husband back and having a contented family again.. I had tried the whole lot I knew, and with your spells, blessings and extraordinary magical powers, you did all the work, and immediately after 48 hours, my Ex Husband came back to me and he was penitent for everything that he has done. And now my life is balanced and i am happy again. Priest Ogbe you do a great service to people, and I don't think many people had known about you. You are the diamond in the rough. Thank you Priest Ogbe You are talented and you give off yourself so freely like you did to me. Thank you for weaving your magical love spells for me and Vardy. He is back to me just the way it was when we first met.. from the depths of my soul! I am immensely happy now. Thank you and God bless you so much sir. Now my man is back to me just in 48 hours, as you have said it..wow.. i am fully rewarded. Thank you so much sir, Lots of appreciations.. Here is Priest Ogbe ContactS.....

    EMAIL(:priestOgbe@gmail.com) OR
    WHATTSAPP:(+2348140392788)
    Thank You Once Again PRIEST OGBE


    EMAIL ADDERSS:Priestogbe@gmail.com


    WHATSAPP him on +2348140392788

    ReplyDelete
  8. PRIEST DR OGBE SPELL CASTER WHO CAN HELP YOU WITH LOVE-SPELL TO GET YOUR EX LOVER BACK URGENTLY AFTER BREAKUP/DIVORCE EVEN IF YOUR SITUATION SEEMS HOPELESS! CONTACT:[ priestogbe@gmail.com] IS CERTAINLY THE BEST SPELL CASTER ONLINE AND HIS RESULT IS 100% GUARANTEE.via whatapp +2348140392788

    VIA Email: priestogbe@gmail.com
    VIA WHATAPP+2348140392788


    i am so happy my Husband is back, through the help of a wonderful spell caster called (Priest Ogbe ). Seriously i was flattened when my Husband of 8 years left to be with another woman in Texas. I cried and sobbed every day, until it got so bad that I couldn't bear it anymore. and i reached out to the Internet for help, until i hit on the real thing, and that is you Priest Ogbe I almost gave up trying to get my Ex Husband back and having a contented family again.. I had tried the whole lot I knew, and with your spells, blessings and extraordinary magical powers, you did all the work, and immediately after 48 hours, my Ex Husband came back to me and he was penitent for everything that he has done. And now my life is balanced and i am happy again. Priest Ogbe you do a great service to people, and I don't think many people had known about you. You are the diamond in the rough. Thank you Priest Ogbe You are talented and you give off yourself so freely like you did to me. Thank you for weaving your magical love spells for me and Vardy. He is back to me just the way it was when we first met.. from the depths of my soul! I am immensely happy now. Thank you and God bless you so much sir. Now my man is back to me just in 48 hours, as you have said it..wow.. i am fully rewarded. Thank you so much sir, Lots of appreciations.. Here is Priest Ogbe ContactS.....

    EMAIL(:priestOgbe@gmail.com) OR
    WHATTSAPP:(+2348140392788)
    Thank You Once Again PRIEST OGBE


    EMAIL ADDERSS:Priestogbe@gmail.com


    WHATSAPP him on +2348140392788

    ReplyDelete
  9. I was very skeptical at first to contact Lord Erons about helping me fix my relationship with my ex using his love binding spell when I saw this comments on a video online last week and decided to give it a try, last night around midnight. I am honestly very amazed because around 12:25am I finally got a text from him!.. we broke up less than a year ago and none of us would call or text each other (even though I was dying to do so) lol. I love him very much and right now I hope we can keep continue communicating and hopefully he will never leave me. Thank you Lord Eromonsele for helping me bring back my ex! I would recommend him for everyone WhatsApp: +2349079308479 & dr.eromonsele@gmail.com  

    ReplyDelete
  10. I really want to thank Dr Emu for saving my marriage. My wife really treated me badly and left home for almost 3 month this got me sick and confused. Then I told my friend about how my wife has changed towards me then she told me to contact Dr Emu that he will help me bring back my wife and change her back to a good woman. I never believed in all this but I gave it a try. Dr Emu casted a spell of return of love on her, and my wife came back home for forgiveness and today we are happy again. If you are going through any relationship stress or you want back your Ex or Divorce husband you can contact his whatsapp +2347012841542 or email emutemple@gmail.com 

    ReplyDelete
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