tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-47513219212352594772024-03-18T12:27:53.084-07:00Demitria LunettaAuthorDemitriahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11597317699857591880noreply@blogger.comBlogger321125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4751321921235259477.post-91932369559252649952019-02-04T11:41:00.001-08:002019-02-04T11:41:33.284-08:00Join My Mailing List!<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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Demitriahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11597317699857591880noreply@blogger.com203tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4751321921235259477.post-37279819274667016362018-12-11T11:31:00.001-08:002018-12-11T11:31:43.458-08:00THE FADE release<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<span style="font-size: x-large;">THE FADE releases today! </span><a class="twitter-atreply pretty-link js-nav" data-mentioned-user-id="25691305" dir="ltr" href="https://twitter.com/KirkusReviews"><span style="color: #332fed; font-size: x-large;"><b>Kirkus Reviews</b></span></a><span style="font-size: x-large;"> calls it "An impressively scary ghost story that will keep you up all night." and my mother-in-law says, "It will make a great Christmas present." Get from your local Indie, B&N, or </span><a href="https://www.amazon.com/Fade-Demitria-Lunetta/dp/152476633X/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1544555026&sr=8-1&keywords=the+fade+demitria"><span style="font-size: x-large;">Amazon</span></a><span style="font-size: x-large;">!</span> </div>
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Demitriahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11597317699857591880noreply@blogger.com58tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4751321921235259477.post-60153264529415503472018-11-14T09:28:00.001-08:002018-11-14T09:40:38.271-08:00THE FADE releases soon!<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<span style="font-size: large;">THE FADE release is almost here! </span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"></span><br />
<strong><em>The Others</em> meets <i>The Cellar</i> in this scary ghost-story thriller from the author of <i>BAD BLOOD</i>.</strong><br />
<strong><br /></strong><i>We don't want to disappear.</i><br />
<i>We want to be found.</i><br />
<br />
Something terrible happened in her basement. Haley can feel it. <br />
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Four girls went missing several years ago, and the police never solved the case. But Haley knows the missing girls were murdered. How else can she explain the hostile presence in her house?<br />
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The ghostly girls need something from her. And unless Haley can figure out what they want . . . she might be next.<br />
<span style="font-size: large;"></span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"></span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;">Releases December 11th...Pre-order </span><a href="https://www.amazon.com/Fade-Demitria-Lunetta-ebook/dp/B07BJKWWFR/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1542216324&sr=8-1&keywords=the+fade+demitria+lunetta"><span style="font-size: large;">here</span></a><span style="font-size: large;">.</span></div>
Demitriahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11597317699857591880noreply@blogger.com58tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4751321921235259477.post-45579667010337736742018-08-01T16:44:00.000-07:002018-08-01T16:44:40.483-07:00BETTY BITES BACK anthology kickstarter!<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<span style="font-size: x-large;">Love scary stories with a feminist twist?! </span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgYEnf0BsEUJ3w0pXkFt2YMH3COjrS-3Nd2abTnyhoqyg7EaMlLQBFvkqYl7puT_beQ5f-7MV3JBIRAGs2MtNXV2WFueQ3FTpCx3bmdc2lUbNlaep3I-QLsOPu93YyjXmuQfSqnbrzA3rc/s1600/BBB+-+Kickstarter+Call.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1600" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgYEnf0BsEUJ3w0pXkFt2YMH3COjrS-3Nd2abTnyhoqyg7EaMlLQBFvkqYl7puT_beQ5f-7MV3JBIRAGs2MtNXV2WFueQ3FTpCx3bmdc2lUbNlaep3I-QLsOPu93YyjXmuQfSqnbrzA3rc/s320/BBB+-+Kickstarter+Call.jpg" width="320" /></a><span style="font-size: x-large;">The BETTY BITES BACK: HORROR STORIES FOR YOUNG FEMINISTS anthology Kickstarter is live! Check it out </span><a href="https://www.kickstarter.com/projects/1701040115/betty-bites-back"><span style="font-size: x-large;">here</span></a><span style="font-size: x-large;"> and support BETTY BITES BACK!</span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">Follow the <a href="https://www.kickstarter.com/projects/1701040115/betty-bites-back">link</a> to view the rewards, have awesome stuff for writers and readers. And here are the rest of the details:</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">BETTY BITES BACK is a short story anthology featuring 15 feminist horror stories. (While most of our content is YA appropriate, please note we recommend this anthology for 16+.)<br />
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After the success of the AMONG THE SHADOWS anthology kickstarter we’ve decided to do it again! This time our anthology is full of feminist horror stories. BETTY BITES BACK has something for everyone and runs the gambit from speculative fiction to ghost stories to revenge fantasy and back again. BETTY BITES BACK is scheduled to release October 2019.<br />
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We’re older and wiser, so based on kickstarter feedback we’re doing things a little different this time, with stretch goals:<br />
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Initial Goal 2,000<br />
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First Stretch Goal $3,000- Free AMONG THE SHADOWS ebook to all supporters<br />
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Second Stretch Goal $4,000 – Swag pack for all supporters who pledged $15 or more<br />
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Third Stretch Goal $5,000 – All Supporters who pledged for a PB get at least one signature included<br />
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Fourth Stretch Goal $6,000 – All supporters who pledged for a PB get at least three signatures included<br />
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We’ll share as soon as each goal is met.<br />
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We’ll be posting every Monday, Wednesday and Friday with updates to spotlight each of our authors and with teasers for their stories. Since it’s the first post, we want to kick off with a bang so let’s announce our line up!<br />
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Liz Coley <br />
Shannon Green <br />
Elaine Griffin <br />
Lindsey Klingele <br />
Kamerhe Lane <br />
Jenna Lehne <br />
Demitria Lunetta<br />
Emilee Martell <br />
Tracie Martin<br />
Cori McCarthy <br />
Kyrie McCauley <br />
Mindy McGinnis<br />
Kate Karyus Quinn<br />
Melody Simpson<br />
Amanda Sun<br />
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Today we’re also starting off with our three editors/contributing authors’ spotlight. Here’s a taste of what’s in store!<br />
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<b>VAGINA DENTATA by Mindy McGinnis</b><br />
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<i>A young woman decides to put a sting in her honeypot, surgically altering herself so that she will never be a victim again.</i><br />
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<b>Mindy McGinnis</b> is an Edgar Award-winning author who writes across multiple genres including post apocalyptic, mystery, thriller, historical, fantasy, and contemporary. HEROINE, a story of the opioid epidemic in the heartland and how far one female athlete will go for her team, releases in March of 2019 from Katherine Tegen Books.<br />
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<b>THE CHANGE by Kate Karyus Quinn</b><br />
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<i>A short story in verse with magical realism elements about a near future where women have evolved in interesting ways.</i><br />
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<b>Kate Karyus Quinn</b> is an avid reader and menthol chapstick addict. After living in both California and Tennessee, she returned to her hometown of Buffalo, New York, and now lives there with her husband, three children, and one enormous dog. She is the author of young adult novels: ANOTHER LITTLE PIECE, (DON'T YOU) FORGET ABOUT ME, and DOWN WITH THE SHINE all from HarperTeen.<br />
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<b>MATCHED by Demitria Lunetta</b><br />
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<i>In the future men are in short supply and women must procreate for the good of society. A young woman finds that duty and love are not mutually exclusive.</i><br />
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<b>Demitria Lunetta</b> is the author of the YA Sci-fi duology, IN THE AFTER and IN THE END (HarperTeen). Her latest book, BAD BLOOD, is a YA paranormal set in Scotland. She is also an editor and contributing author for the YA anthology, AMONG THE SHADOWS: 13 STORIES OF DARKNESS & LIGHT. Her next novel, THE FADE, will release from Delacorte /Random House in December 2018.</span><div style="text-align: center;">
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Demitriahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11597317699857591880noreply@blogger.com52tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4751321921235259477.post-24567878218630898102018-07-09T10:22:00.001-07:002018-07-09T10:22:11.907-07:00THE FADE preorder plus Giveaway!<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<span style="font-size: large;">THE FADE is available for pre-order! </span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;"><em>We don't want to disappear.</em><i>We want to be found.</i><br /><br />Something terrible happened in her basement. Haley can feel it. <br /><br />Four girls went missing several years ago, and the police never solved the case. But Haley knows the missing girls were murdered. How else can she explain the hostile presence in her house?<br /><br />The ghostly girls need something from her. And unless Haley can figure out what they want . . . she might be next.</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">Enter to win a signed ARC!</span></div>
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Demitriahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11597317699857591880noreply@blogger.com62tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4751321921235259477.post-42805816552258160442018-04-02T11:56:00.000-07:002018-04-02T14:16:22.947-07:00BETTY BITES BACK anthology - Call for Authors!<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<span style="font-size: large;">In our first call for authors we received so many great submissions, we were really blown away! That being said, we'd like to have more diversity in our anthology so this call out is for #ownvoices authors, POC authors, and differently abled authors.</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">Betty Bites Back: Horror Stories for Young Feminists</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">You may have heard about our previous short story collection, AMONG THE SHADOWS, and our successful kickstarter campaign. </span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"> </span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;">We loved working with our amazing authors; Gretchen McNeil Griffin, Justina Ireland, Phoebe North, Geoffrey Girard, Lydia Kang, Rachel Lewis, Joelle Charbonneau, Kelly Fiore (Kelly Ann Edgeington Stultz), Lenore Appelhans Eisenhour, and Beth G Revis.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"> </span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;">Well, we're at it again! Mindy McGinnis, Kate Karyus Quinn, and I are putting together another collection of short stories. This time the theme is dark and feminist...and we're sending out a call for submissions. *Please note that subject matter should be 16+, though there is no restriction on the age of the protagonist.*</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"> </span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;">1) Must feature a female (or female-identifying) character.<br /> </span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;">2) All lengths welcome! Stories should be copied into the body of the email. Include a short bio with previous works and submission word count. If you are interested in submitting a novella (more than 15,000 words) please include a short summary as well.<br /> </span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;">3) Submit to BettyBitesBackSub@gmail.com Subject line should include Title and Author Names. Submission Deadline Friday May 11th, 2018.<br /> </span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;">4) We are reserving spots for previously unpublished authors. Instead of a bio, just note that you're previously unpublished. </span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"> </span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;">THE FINE PRINT: This is an unpaid collection and will be funded by a kickstarter campaign. Authors retain all the rights to their stories. Five author copies will be provided to each contributor, as well as other promotional materials, such as bookmarks and postcards. As with AMONG THE SHADOWS, BETTY BITES BACK will be priced for maximum exposure. We want to move copies! All profits will be put back into advertising. Please check out our previous short story collection AMONG THE SHADOWS. We would be happy to provide you with a complimentary ebook copy! </span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"> </span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;">Questions? Feel free to comment below and Mindy, Kate, or I will answer!</span></div>
Demitriahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11597317699857591880noreply@blogger.com81tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4751321921235259477.post-88684985411703947682018-03-26T06:00:00.000-07:002018-03-26T06:00:24.408-07:00Cancer Update – To Boob or Not to Boob<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; line-height: 115%;">[In this post I will talk about my boobs, curse, and
mention/show photos of gross medical things. You have been warned. </span><span style="font-family: "wingdings"; line-height: 115%;"><span style="mso-char-type: symbol; mso-symbol-font-family: Wingdings;">J</span></span><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">
]<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;"><o:p> </o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">After all my surgeries and treatments last year, I
decided that I wouldn’t get reconstruction. I had great reasons. In one year I’d
had five surgeries, and didn’t want any more. I’m not a super vain person, so I
didn’t think I’d care about having boobs. I also didn’t want to spend thousands
and thousands of dollars on something that is seen as cosmetic. I mean, who
needs boobs anyway?</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">But after six months of weighing the pros and cons,
I’ve come to the decision. <strong>I WANT BOOBS!<o:p></o:p></strong></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">What changed my mind? Let’s take it point by point.<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;"><o:p> </o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">VANITY – There is a cold cap device that you can
wear during Chemo that helps you keep your hair. It costs hundreds of dollars
to rent. My first thought was, who cares? I just don’t want to die. Why would
anyone waste their money? Well, let me tell you, when you’re bald and
underweight and basically look like the crypt keeper, it’s not really about
being vain. It’s about feeling like yourself.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I had the same reservations about reconstruction. Could I live without
boobs? Yeah. Sure. Of course I could. But I decided that it would be a huge step
toward feeling like myself again.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">[Here's a picture of one of the crappier moments...but I got through it!]</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgk9VZdjPY7cy9XsSCR-4qMRvylK0yqStzFDobXkQrCZJcf_up10c9TzneLE3gZQrEW0pcbhim60bviGQ12O99Iy42qoc-umoZ4wynJWZBkQuaxT6diRbAwL1VUQfwRKmh0ICQCo-rVFv8/s1600/20170122_162507.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1200" data-original-width="1600" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgk9VZdjPY7cy9XsSCR-4qMRvylK0yqStzFDobXkQrCZJcf_up10c9TzneLE3gZQrEW0pcbhim60bviGQ12O99Iy42qoc-umoZ4wynJWZBkQuaxT6diRbAwL1VUQfwRKmh0ICQCo-rVFv8/s320/20170122_162507.jpg" width="320" /></a></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;"></span> </span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span>
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[Here is me looking super confused on how to ring a bell after completion of my chemotherapy!]<br />
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<iframe allowfullscreen='allowfullscreen' webkitallowfullscreen='webkitallowfullscreen' mozallowfullscreen='mozallowfullscreen' width='320' height='266' src='https://www.blogger.com/video.g?token=AD6v5dwwRy8Oxrnjf69cNffgmdoz9EZwtDTN_R_06FMEUEsuOInQomer6CD2hk-hZ_tjeZ8h_QCcRUgoQ0xBonwQtA' class='b-hbp-video b-uploaded' frameborder='0'></iframe></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">SURGERY – Sigh. So many fucking surgeries. I have a
ga-billion doctors and now I can add two plastic surgeons to the mix. For the
reconstruction, I will have a major initial surgery in which they remove the
skin and fat from my stomach and make a boob out of it. Gross, right? Oh, but
it gets better. Since I don’t really have a nice big tummy, they will then have
to suck the fat out of other bits of me and seed the fat cells into my new boob.
I’ll have to do this at least three times. So why bother? As my awesome surgeon
told me, I’m young. I can take it. I might have 50 or so years left. I shouldn't let fear of surgeries make the decision for me.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;"><o:p> </o:p></span><br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhHG3jd8UDC5X5iGz1LlyrFWlBpEwucZMumSkT9RFTsEflU5MnKTJP9wVqjgOVgU5dtai1f9soagX3PtX_7SQ3jX5wigO_LOM-2FHwsEbOLrVvDTGoIrL_X1_EuAAIXwhgsVZJUaTucPrg/s1600/tramFlap.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="232" data-original-width="555" height="133" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhHG3jd8UDC5X5iGz1LlyrFWlBpEwucZMumSkT9RFTsEflU5MnKTJP9wVqjgOVgU5dtai1f9soagX3PtX_7SQ3jX5wigO_LOM-2FHwsEbOLrVvDTGoIrL_X1_EuAAIXwhgsVZJUaTucPrg/s320/tramFlap.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">MONEY – Having cancer not only sucks, but it’s super
expensive. I had so many people donate money to me the first time around, it
made a huge difference. Reconstruction is no different. The estimate for the
surgery is between forty to fifty thousand. I’m lucky to have insurance and
they’ll pay for most of it, but my out of pocket costs will still be in the
thousands…not to mention down time. So once again I am going to beg for money.
I started a campaign on <a href="https://www.gofundme.com/DemitriaLunetta">GoFundMe </a>and if you can donate anything at all, I will
be immensely grateful. You can also brag that you helped buy me boobs. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">I wanted a fundraiser gauge that was a boob but I
couldn’t find one! Anyone know how I can get one...or a pink ribbon will do, I suppose.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">And even if you can't offer financial support (believe me, I get it) feel free to post about your journey. Survivor stories are always welcome!</span></div>
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Demitriahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11597317699857591880noreply@blogger.com220tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4751321921235259477.post-80914845394118245422018-03-07T08:01:00.001-08:002018-03-07T08:01:23.315-08:00THE FADE Cover Reveal<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<div align="center">
<span style="font-size: large;">Want to see the cover for my upcoming YA paranormal,</span></div>
<div align="center">
<span style="font-size: large;">THE FADE?</span></div>
<div align="center">
</div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">Of course you do!</span></div>
<div align="center">
<span style="font-size: large;">Head over to <a href="http://www.yabookscentral.com/blog/it-s-live-cover-reveal-the-fade-by-demitria-lunetta-giveaway-us-only">YA Books Central</a> to check it out</span></div>
<div align="center">
<span style="font-size: large;">and enter to win a signed arc!</span></div>
<div align="center">
</div>
<div align="center">
<span style="font-size: large;">More on THE FADE coming soon!</span></div>
</div>
Demitriahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11597317699857591880noreply@blogger.com3966tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4751321921235259477.post-37716205411741351732018-01-25T14:10:00.002-08:002018-01-25T14:10:52.565-08:00THE FADE Announcement<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: large;">Here's the PW announcement for my next YA novel!</span></div>
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<tr><td nowrap="" style="padding: 0px;" valign="top"></td><td style="background-color: #eeeef9; padding: 0.75pt 4.5pt 4.5pt;" valign="top"><span style="background-color: #eeeef9;"><div align="right" style="margin: 0px;">
<span style="font-family: Times New Roman,serif; font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span style="color: #333399; font-family: Verdana,sans-serif; font-size: x-small;"><span style="font-size: 8.5pt;">Children's:</span></span><span style="color: #333399; font-family: Verdana,sans-serif; font-size: x-small;"><span style="font-size: 8.5pt;"><br /> Young Adult </span></span></span></span></div>
</span></td><td style="padding: 0px;" valign="top"></td><td style="padding: 0px;" valign="top"><div style="margin: 0px;">
<span style="font-family: Times New Roman,serif; font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span style="color: #333333; font-family: Verdana,sans-serif; font-size: x-small;"><span style="font-size: 9pt;">Demitria Lunetta's THE FADE, about a 16-year-old girl who must discover who murdered the girls haunting her house before she's next, to </span></span><a href="https://www.publishersmarketplace.com/dealmakers/detail.cgi?id=2214" rel="noopener noreferrer" target="_blank"><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif; font-size: x-small;"><span style="font-size: 9pt;"><span style="color: #6666cc;">Wendy Loggia</span></span></span></a><span style="color: #333333; font-family: Verdana,sans-serif; font-size: x-small;"><span style="font-size: 9pt;"> at </span></span><a href="https://www.publishersmarketplace.com/dealmakers/detail.cgi?id=2317" rel="noopener noreferrer" target="_blank"><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif; font-size: x-small;"><span style="font-size: 9pt;"><span style="color: #6666cc;">Delacorte</span></span></span></a><span style="color: #333333; font-family: Verdana,sans-serif; font-size: x-small;"><span style="font-size: 9pt;">, for publication in December 2018, by </span></span><a href="https://www.publishersmarketplace.com/dealmakers/detail.cgi?id=2712" rel="noopener noreferrer" target="_blank"><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif; font-size: x-small;"><span style="font-size: 9pt;"><span style="color: #6666cc;">Maura Kye-Casella</span></span></span></a><span style="color: #333333; font-family: Verdana,sans-serif; font-size: x-small;"><span style="font-size: 9pt;"> at </span></span><a href="https://www.publishersmarketplace.com/dealmakers/detail.cgi?id=112" rel="noopener noreferrer" target="_blank"><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif; font-size: x-small;"><span style="font-size: 9pt;"><span style="color: #6666cc;">Don Congdon Associates</span></span></span></a><span style="color: #333333; font-family: Verdana,sans-serif; font-size: x-small;"><span style="font-size: 9pt;"> (World English).</span></span></span></span></div>
</td><td style="padding: 0px;" valign="top"><div style="margin: 0px;">
<span style="font-family: Times New Roman,serif; font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span style="color: #333333; font-family: Verdana,sans-serif; font-size: x-small;"><span style="font-size: 10pt;"> </span></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Times New Roman,serif; font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><img alt="data:image/webp;base64,UklGRhoAAABXRUJQVlA4TA0AAAAvAUAAEAcQERGIiP4HAA==" crossorigin="anonymous" data-custom="AQMkADAwATZiZmYAZC04NmZkLWU1MDAALTAwAi0wMAoARgAAAyh0f8nV10lHsMUZrJt7qAcHAACvGvFi5pDGSZIpE2TdBwcAcQAAAgEMAAAArxrxYuaQxkmSKRNk3QcHAHEAAiP5OA0AAAABEgAQAH%2BbMES9%2F2pLg0PvsL43FEk%3D" data-imagetype="AttachmentByCid" height="3" naturalheight="3" naturalwidth="2" originalsrc="cid:image003.png@01D395FC.7F5DB060" src="data:image/png;base64,iVBORw0KGgoAAAANSUhEUgAAAAIAAAADCAYAAAC56t6BAAAAAXNSR0IArs4c6QAAAARnQU1BAACxjwv8YQUAAAAMSURBVBhXY8AFGBgAABsAAQcaKa0AAAAASUVORK5CYII=" width="2" /></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Times New Roman,serif; font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;"></span></span> </div>
<div style="margin: 0px; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Times New Roman,serif; font-size: large;"><span>More on THE FADE soon!!!</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Times New Roman,serif; font-size: large;"><span></span></span> </div>
<div style="margin: 0px; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Times New Roman,serif; font-size: large;"><span></span></span> </div>
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</tbody></table>
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Demitriahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11597317699857591880noreply@blogger.com185tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4751321921235259477.post-32084440205631749272017-12-04T07:28:00.000-08:002017-12-04T07:48:47.135-08:00Year End Giveaway!<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: large;">Looking over my shelves I've found several books that I'd meant to giveaway before I got sick, several more books that I'd promised to pass on after I'd read them, and a bunch that I love so much I want to share them with others.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: large;"></span> </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: large;">So here it is...my END OF THE YEAR (MOSTLY) YA RANDOM BIG ASS GIVEAWAY! Here they all are!</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<img alt="28936314" height="200" src="https://images.gr-assets.com/books/1484759365l/28936314.jpg" width="132" /> <img alt="30237061" height="200" src="https://images.gr-assets.com/books/1487367685l/30237061.jpg" width="131" /> <a href="https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/25314447-given-to-the-sea"><img alt="Given to the Sea (Given Duet, #1)" height="200" src="https://images.gr-assets.com/books/1469464442l/25314447.jpg" width="132" /></a> <a href="https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/34859900-given-to-the-earth"><img alt="Given to the Earth (Given Duet, #2)" height="200" src="https://images.gr-assets.com/books/1501084239l/34859900.jpg" width="133" /></a></div>
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<img alt="25902198" height="200" src="https://images.gr-assets.com/books/1445094966l/25902198.jpg" width="132" /> <a href="https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/33376058-sip"><img alt="Sip" height="200" src="https://images.gr-assets.com/books/1485356189l/33376058.jpg" width="133" /></a> <a href="https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/33629245-a-poison-dark-and-drowning"><img alt="A Poison Dark and Drowning (Kingdom on Fire, #2)" height="200" src="https://images.gr-assets.com/books/1484170878l/33629245.jpg" width="132" /></a> <img alt="28250851" height="200" src="https://images.gr-assets.com/books/1453057338l/28250851.jpg" width="132" /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<a href="https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/26514517-the-flame-never-dies"><img alt="The Flame Never Dies (The Stars Never Rise, #2)" height="200" src="https://images.gr-assets.com/books/1469622005l/26514517.jpg" width="130" /></a> <img alt="26067633" height="200" src="https://images.gr-assets.com/books/1460388284l/26067633.jpg" width="130" /> <img alt="33123849" height="200" src="https://images.gr-assets.com/books/1503583827l/33123849.jpg" width="129" /> <a href="https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/25669098-shadow-run"><img alt="Shadow Run (Kaitan Chronicles, #1)" height="200" src="https://images.gr-assets.com/books/1464712155l/25669098.jpg" width="132" /></a></div>
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</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
ALSO, you get to choose one of my books!</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
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Demitriahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11597317699857591880noreply@blogger.com158tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4751321921235259477.post-23654148293523208112017-11-02T10:07:00.002-07:002017-11-02T10:07:50.353-07:00Cancer Update: One Year Later and Still Kicking!<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<span style="font-family: Calibri;">One year ago I was diagnosed with stage three breast cancer.
You can find my original post <a href="http://demitrialunetta.blogspot.com/2016/11/my-cancer-diagnosis-how-my-left-breast.html">here.</a> If you get riled by f-bombs...probably don't read it. Actually, just stop reading this post too. I might throw a few in later. I like to keep my options open.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Calibri;">So, It’s been a while since I posted one of these cancer updates
because, well, if there’s anything else to focus on besides cancer, I chose to
focus on that! </span><span style="font-family: Wingdings; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-char-type: symbol; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-symbol-font-family: Wingdings;"><span style="mso-char-type: symbol; mso-symbol-font-family: Wingdings;">J</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Calibri;">What has happened cancer-wise in this past year? Well, let’s
see… diagnosis, surgery, chemo, being bald, a nasty infection, hospitalization,
more surgery, radiation (which caused, what I like to call “localized zombie
skin”), and even more surgery. Not that any sane person would think otherwise, but having cancer fucking sucks.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Last week I had my year check-in MRI, and everything came
back clear!</span></div>
<o:p><span style="font-family: Calibri;"> </span></o:p><br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Now, what does this mean for me? Well, I still have a lifetime
of check-ups, medication, and that nagging worry at the back of my mind that my
cancer is back. Also I can’t say, “I have cancer!” when I don’t want to do
something, or to guilt my husband into doing dishes. But…upside…</span><br />
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<o:p><span style="font-family: Calibri;"> </span></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<o:p></o:p><span style="font-family: Calibri;">I NO LONGER HAVE CANCER!!!!</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Calibri;">I know I often babble on about the awesome YA community, but
everyone has been so supportive, it’s hard not to. My family, my friends, even acquaintances
of acquaintances were all amazing.</span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<o:p><span style="font-family: Calibri;"> </span></o:p><span style="font-family: Calibri;">So that’s what’s up with me…and fingers crossed this is the
last cancer update from me. Ever.</span></div>
</div>
Demitriahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11597317699857591880noreply@blogger.com24tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4751321921235259477.post-31125927453053349532017-10-04T06:00:00.000-07:002017-10-04T06:00:23.571-07:00BAD BLOOD Giveaway!<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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Demitriahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11597317699857591880noreply@blogger.com45tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4751321921235259477.post-90641391756207476312017-03-14T08:27:00.001-07:002017-03-14T08:27:50.481-07:00BAD BLOOD Release Day!!!<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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I'm so excited that BAD BLOOD is out in the world today!<br />
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<strong><span style="font-size: medium;"></span></strong> </div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgdv9JUKfd7Mc6xjDjlneC-Ns8eBjMqWFUJxfAWlRq2AZVyOVEzzvv0zxg8Ja4IH80rPMT90bb2Ob7rHreC7X-vxY-63WMJ7lyez-LnuQxEZ8oppRDkcUvVW8kyOalLLXIC2PzcZt1WSuc/s1600/Bad+Blood+Cover.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgdv9JUKfd7Mc6xjDjlneC-Ns8eBjMqWFUJxfAWlRq2AZVyOVEzzvv0zxg8Ja4IH80rPMT90bb2Ob7rHreC7X-vxY-63WMJ7lyez-LnuQxEZ8oppRDkcUvVW8kyOalLLXIC2PzcZt1WSuc/s400/Bad+Blood+Cover.jpg" width="263" /></a><strong><span style="font-size: medium;">Scotland is in my blood...</span></strong> <br />
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All sixteen-year-old Heather MacNair wants is to feel normal, to shed the intense paranoia she’s worn all year like a scratchy sweater. After her compulsion to self-harm came to light, Heather was kept under her doctor’s watchful eye. Her family thinks she’s better—and there’s nothing she wants more than for that to be true. She still can’t believe she’s allowed to spend her summer vacation as she always does: at her aunt’s home in Scotland, where she has lots of happy memories. Far away from all her problems save one: she can’t stop carving the Celtic knot that haunts her dreams into her skin. </div>
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Good friends and boys with Scottish accents can cure almost anything . . . except nightmares. Heather can’t stop dreaming about two sisters from centuries ago, twins Prudence and Primrose, who somehow seem tied to her own life. Their presence lurks just beneath the surface of her consciousness, sending ripples through what should be a peaceful summer. The twins might hold the key to putting Heather’s soul at rest . . . or they could slice her future deeper than any knife.<br />
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<strong>“Dark and complex and wickedly romantic.”</strong>—<b>GRETCHEN MCNEIL</b>, author of <i>Ten</i> and <i>I’m Not Your Manic Pixie Dream Girl</i> </div>
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“A story that will both <b>warm your heart, and chill you to the bone</b>."—<b>KENDARE BLAKE</b>, author of <i><i>Three Dark Crowns</i></i></div>
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“An eerie blend of mystery and magic amid the Scottish highlands.”—<b>MINDY MCGINNIS</b>, author of <i>A Madness So Discreet </i>and<i> The Female of the Species</i></div>
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“A haunting and mysterious page turner.”—<b>KATE KARYUS QUINN</b>, author of <i>Another Little Piece</i></div>
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<i><br /></i>“A thoroughly enjoyable contemporary Gothic.”—<i><i>Kirkus</i></i></div>
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“A perfect choice for fans of chilling supernatural reads.”—<i>Booklist</i></div>
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Demitriahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11597317699857591880noreply@blogger.com30tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4751321921235259477.post-77358358049762676382017-02-13T06:00:00.000-08:002017-02-13T06:00:23.139-08:00BAD BLOOD Signed ARC Giveaway!!!<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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Demitriahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11597317699857591880noreply@blogger.com20tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4751321921235259477.post-18639664533796913852017-02-01T10:43:00.003-08:002017-02-09T09:57:55.721-08:00Cancer Update – Genetic Testing<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<span style="font-size: large;">As part of my cancer treatment plan I underwent genetic
testing for 80 known cancer genes. At first it seemed a bit pointless to me, I
mean, I already have fracking cancer, who cares if I have the gene?</span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;">
</span><o:p><span style="font-size: large;"> </span></o:p><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">Well, it came back that I do have one cancer gene. It’s the
BRCA1 gene, and it’s a doozy. It increases the chances that you’ll get breast
cancer to 70%. Also if you get breast cancer, you have a 40% chance of getting
it again. It also increases your chances of ovarian cancer from 1% to 40%. </span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">So way back whenever, when I skimmed the article about
Angelina Jolie getting genetic testing done, then deciding to get a double
mastectomy and having her ovaries removed, I thought, crazy person. Who would
do that? Now my judgy-ass-self totally understands. Being aggressive and
preemptive is totally understandable when it come to not having to deal with
cancer.</span></div>
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</span><o:p><span style="font-size: large;"> </span></o:p><br />
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</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-size: large;">I also think it’s nice to have something to point at and
blame. Before I was wondering what I did wrong? Why did I get breast cancer so
young? I mean, I did drink a lot of diet soda in my twenties. Or maybe it was
all that hormone filled dairy products I ate. And there was that one time I
stood in front of the microwave for a really long time. But no. It’s this one
crappy crappy gene.</span></div>
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</span><o:p><span style="font-size: large;"> </span></o:p><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">Other then, you know, the cancer, I’m doing really well.
Working on my next book and reading a ton. I’ll post more soon! And thanks again everyone for all your support. </span></div>
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Demitriahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11597317699857591880noreply@blogger.com137tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4751321921235259477.post-8241908974144584272017-01-02T09:24:00.001-08:002017-01-02T09:24:55.842-08:00Books I Love - My Faves of 2016!<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<span style="font-size: large;">I read 100 books in 2016 and here are a few of my favorites. Most are from 2016 but a few are ones I discovered this year. Well, here they are in no particular order!</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;"></span> </div>
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<img alt="22840421" height="320" src="https://images.gr-assets.com/books/1444923765l/22840421.jpg" width="212" /> <img alt="22370796" height="320" src="https://images.gr-assets.com/books/1455009075l/22370796.jpg" width="211" /> <img alt="25324111" height="320" src="https://images.gr-assets.com/books/1462983948l/25324111.jpg" width="208" /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<img alt="60931" height="320" src="https://images.gr-assets.com/books/1339423248l/60931.jpg" width="216" /> <img alt="60925" height="320" src="https://images.gr-assets.com/books/1441479816l/60925.jpg" width="210" /> <img alt="17235026" height="320" src="https://images.gr-assets.com/books/1403033579l/17235026.jpg" width="203" /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<img alt="22056895" height="320" src="https://images.gr-assets.com/books/1437152910l/22056895.jpg" width="210" /> <img alt="23846037" height="320" src="https://images.gr-assets.com/books/1431121151l/23846037.jpg" width="212" /> <img alt="25812109" height="320" src="https://images.gr-assets.com/books/1455917180l/25812109.jpg" width="211" /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<img alt="25647300" height="320" src="https://images.gr-assets.com/books/1458745280l/25647300.jpg" width="211" /> <img alt="11925514" height="320" src="https://images.gr-assets.com/books/1388161911l/11925514.jpg" width="208" /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: large;">And these two I got for Christmas and am super excited to read!</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: large;"></span> </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: large;"><img alt="24657660" height="320" src="https://images.gr-assets.com/books/1435075718l/24657660.jpg" width="211" /> <img alt="28374007" height="320" src="https://images.gr-assets.com/books/1469265712l/28374007.jpg" width="211" /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: large;"></span> </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: large;"></span> </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: large;">What are your faves of 2016?</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: large;"></span> </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: large;"></span> </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
</div>
</div>
Demitriahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11597317699857591880noreply@blogger.com36tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4751321921235259477.post-63766624293770838102016-12-02T06:00:00.000-08:002017-02-09T09:58:15.762-08:00Cancer Update – Chemo Edition<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
First off, I want to say thank you to everyone who donated
to my <a href="https://www.youcaring.com/demitrialunetta-702888">youcaring fund</a>. When Mindy and Kate suggested starting one to help with treatment
costs I was a bit doubtful that it would be successful. Boy, was I wrong. I am
not a crier, but when I saw how many people donated/offered words of support,
well, let’s just say there were water works.<br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<o:p> </o:p></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
Since my last post I’ve started chemo and let me tell you,
it’s not like in the movies/TV. First of all, they don’t line you up in one big
depressing cancer room. Where I’m at there are nice little private cubicles
with TVs and big comfy chairs that heat up and have a massage function. No
joke. </div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<o:p> </o:p></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
I was shocked at how nice it all was. They also don’t inject
the medicine into the veins in your arms. I had a chemo port installed, which
is a device placed under the skin in the chest with a tube that flows directly
into a major artery. So while I may not end up with a bionic boob, I am on my way
to becoming a cyborg. After they hook you up (they call it accessing your port)
they pump you full of chemicals (one of mine is candy apple red) and that’s
that! </div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<o:p> </o:p></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
Honestly, for the first few days after my first treatment I
felt normal. Then the next few days I felt super gross…like I was hung over
from the worst bender ever. Then I felt normal again.</div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<o:p> </o:p></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
Today is my second session. I’m not sure when I’ll post
another cancer update, but I’ll definitely still be posting book stuff, and of
course my 2016 favorites list in January.</div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<o:p> </o:p></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
I hope everyone has a great holiday, and thank you again for
all your support and encouragement!!!</div>
</div>
Demitriahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11597317699857591880noreply@blogger.com10tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4751321921235259477.post-4567170411306882392016-11-07T05:00:00.000-08:002017-02-09T09:58:37.152-08:00My Cancer Diagnosis – How My Left Breast is Trying to Kill Me<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
[Warning: In this post I talk about my boob. A lot. I also
curse and talk about medical things, so if you’re squeamish, probably skip
this.]<br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<o:p> </o:p></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
About six weeks ago, after experiencing a sharp random pain
in my left breast, I found a lump. My first thoughts: HOLY SHIT, I HAVE CANCER.
After an hour of online research I calmed down. I’m young and cancer doesn’t usually
hurt. It doesn’t make your breast swell to twice the normal size. It doesn’t
come on suddenly. Self diagnosis, I convinced myself I had a cyst. They’re
common in my family.</div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<o:p> </o:p></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
I went to my doctor who also agreed it was probably a cyst
but ordered a mammogram and ultrasound just to be sure. I was still convinced
it was a cyst. Up until the moment when the big boss radiologist came into the
room and she told me that I had three solid masses in my breast and one in my
armpit. My thoughts at that moment?
FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK.</div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<o:p> </o:p></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
Back to HOLY SHIT, I HAVE CANCER. Because although I’m not a
pessimist, I am a realist. They don’t order a biopsy for no reason. A single
mass in my breast may be benign, but three? And one already in my lymh node?
Yeah, that has got to be fucking cancer. I called my sister to warn her. She
cried. I told her not to cry. She cried some more. My husband and I talked
about what to do if it was cancer and decided not to fuck around. To do
whatever it took to get better.</div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<o:p> </o:p></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
The next day I had to go back for a biopsy. I needed four
total and for each one they covered the spot in iodine, gave me a numbing shot,
and shoved a super long needle with nifty vacuum suction action to take
samples. Then they put a titanium marker in the spot to show where the sample
was taken. (Yeah, was hoping it would make my boob bionic, but sadly, no.) </div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<o:p> </o:p></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
Rinse, repeat. The whole thing took four hours. Then they
did another mammogram to make sure the markers were in place. If you don’t know
about mammograms, they are not gentle. They took my already punctured, aching
breast and placed it in a big machine where it was squished between two glass
plates. Then they needed the side view. My poor boob was not happy.</div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<o:p> </o:p></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
Fast forward to Saturday, ten days ago. My doctor calls. I
know it must be awesome news because, what doctor doesn’t love to call patients
on a Saturday? Well, the cells were malignant and at 35 years of age, HOLY
SHIT, I HAVE CANVER. </div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<o:p> </o:p></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
I’m starting chemo next week. I don’t know how I’ll react,
so though I’ll probably be around on social media, I might not always respond
right away if at all. I’m going to conserve my energy to work on my latest
contracted novel.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
So how am I feeling? Angry but hopeful. I have a great cancer team and am otherwise healthy. I have a good chance of coming out of this less one boob, but very much alive. Please share your stories of cancer survival for
yourself/friends/and family. I would love to hear them!</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
</div>
</div>
Demitriahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11597317699857591880noreply@blogger.com34tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4751321921235259477.post-71545628833655714002016-10-29T10:34:00.000-07:002016-10-29T10:34:21.527-07:00BAD BLOOD Signed ARC Giveaway and book bundle!<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: large;">For October I'm giving away a signed ARC of BAD BLOOD!</span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;"></span><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgIQJ9gW1-iR0Yl_rFKXBRDqN5_-BHGPE7C2wZjJX2PaGCaKvvzo9mBkT1_D2MJHce7poHCZGK8kHAQpxm2OjkKXuDJgx1J11dwu2QBcMLSjvYXvpvmL1WuVkQ2eB7EyRDd-ClGoBGc7RQ/s1600/Bad+Blood+Cover.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgIQJ9gW1-iR0Yl_rFKXBRDqN5_-BHGPE7C2wZjJX2PaGCaKvvzo9mBkT1_D2MJHce7poHCZGK8kHAQpxm2OjkKXuDJgx1J11dwu2QBcMLSjvYXvpvmL1WuVkQ2eB7EyRDd-ClGoBGc7RQ/s640/Bad+Blood+Cover.jpg" width="420" /></a></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
</div>
<a class="rcptr" data-raflid="cdcb203e15" data-template="" data-theme="classic" href="http://www.rafflecopter.com/rafl/display/cdcb203e15/" id="rcwidget_sblg5y64" rel="nofollow">a Rafflecopter giveaway</a>
<br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Also included are two arcs from Delacorte authors. And GOING GEEK is signed!</div>
<br />
<script src="https://widget-prime.rafflecopter.com/launch.js"></script><br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<a href="https://www.goodreads.com/book/photo/23471514-going-geek" itemprop="image" rel="nofollow"><img alt="Going Geek" height="320" id="coverImage" src="https://d2arxad8u2l0g7.cloudfront.net/books/1451666964l/23471514.jpg" width="209" /></a> <a href="https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/18982194-my-unscripted-life"><img alt="My Unscripted Life" height="320" src="https://d2arxad8u2l0g7.cloudfront.net/books/1470733515l/18982194.jpg" width="213" /></a></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
</div>
</div>
Demitriahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11597317699857591880noreply@blogger.com17tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4751321921235259477.post-88671309520087719912016-10-25T05:00:00.000-07:002016-10-25T05:00:14.858-07:00Pitchwars Query Critique – BRISKWOOD BLOOD RAIN<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
</div>
<span style="font-size: large;">Here is another query critique for our pitchwars hopefuls.
I’ve pasted the entire query and first page, then again with my comments. Thank
you so much to Christopher Joubert for sharing with us!</span><br />
<o:p> </o:p><br />
<o:p> </o:p><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
Dear Mentor,<br />
<br />
When Miles Parker walks into one of his final classes of high school, the only
thing on his mind is how poorly he is about to do on a quiz he didn’t study
for. Then, his teacher dies – and vanishes – in front of him. After this
unexplainable event happens, he thinks his day can’t get any stranger. </div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
</div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
He’s wrong.</div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
</div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
When severe weather roars into the small city of Briskwood
and cancels school for the rest of the day, Miles thinks nothing of it. Then,
the rain suddenly turns red and mutates people into gray, spike-covered
creatures hell-bent on terrorizing everything that moves.</div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<br />
Miles soon finds himself trapped inside of his job, the Royal Cinema Theater,
along with his best friend Trevor Johnson. There, he also meets a group of
teenagers who can’t seem to get along, even in a time of crisis. </div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
</div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
After one of the freakishly mutated people ends up inside of
the building, Miles and the others find themselves up against an enemy that is
much stronger than they are. The race for survival against this new, deadly
species is on.</div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
</div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
With the blood rain falling all around him and the
yellow-eyed creatures, the threaders, out to murder anything that breathes,
Miles may not live to see his graduation day. </div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
</div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
This novel connects with me on a personal level because I
have worked in a movie theater for more than three years now and I am familiar
with how a dangerous situation would affect the fragile system of the business.
</div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
</div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
BRISKWOOD BLOOD RAIN, a stand-alone novel with strong series
potential, is a thrilling apocalyptic page-turner with commercial appeal that
is currently complete at 61,000 words. Readers of Monument 14 by Emmy Laybourne
and Dark Inside by Jeyn Roberts will enjoy this adventure. </div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
</div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
Thank you for your time and consideration,</div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
Christopher Joubert</div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<o:p> </o:p></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<o:p> </o:p></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
Chapter 1</div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
</div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
It looks like my first accomplishment of the day is booking
myself a one-way-ticket to detention. Senior year has kicked my ass. Lately, I
just haven’t been able to get enough sleep because of the never-ending
pointless stuff that comes along with the last year of school. Just yesterday,
I was forced to take what felt like a million pictures for my graduation
invitations. The smell of bacon wafts up the stairs into my room and gives me
just the push I need to begin another long day. </div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<o:p> </o:p></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
“Miles, you’re going to be late.” My mom screams from
downstairs. </div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<o:p> </o:p></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
“Mom, you should be used to this by now.” I yell back, my
voice echoing down the halls of our large house. I drag myself from the
sanctuary of my bed to the bathroom, turn on the sink, and brush my teeth. The
morning light breaks through the dark storm clouds outside and shines through
the window. As I throw on a wrinkled Breaking Bad T-shirt and a pair of jeans
splattered with spots of pizza sauce, it thunders loudly. I slam the door to
the bathroom and bound down the winding spiral staircase. </div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<o:p> </o:p></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
When I enter the kitchen, I find my mom dancing to music
from whatever decade used an excessive amount of horns. Not stopping to figure
it out, I say hello to her over the noise of the blasting portable speaker,
grab a handful of bacon, and head towards the front door. She clears her throat
behind me, loud enough to be heard over the blasting saxophones and trumpets. </div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<o:p> </o:p></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
“What?” I whip around and peek my head back inside the
kitchen. </div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<o:p> </o:p></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
“Are you forgetting what I asked you to do last night?”
Damn. I honestly have no idea what she’s talking about and I don’t exactly have
the time to hear her lecture me if I admit that. She glares at me, giving me
the thorny and disapproving look that blooms inside of every mom when her child
starts to mature. Small wrinkles line the sides of her sad, blue eyes. Her
auburn hair is twisted into two braids and peppered with streaks of gray. </div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<o:p> </o:p></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-size: large;">And now with my comments!</span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<o:p> </o:p></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
Dear Mentor,<br />
<br />
When Miles Parker walks into one of his final classes of high school, the only
thing on his mind is how poorly he is about to do on a <span style="color: #4f81bd; mso-themecolor: accent1;">add subject</span> quiz <s>he didn’t study for</s>.
Then, his teacher dies – and vanishes – in front of him. <s>After this
unexplainable event happens</s>, he thinks his day can’t get any stranger. </div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
</div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
He’s wrong. <span style="color: #4f81bd; mso-themecolor: accent1;">Nice!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
</div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
When severe weather roars into the small city of Briskwood <s>and
cancels</s> school <span style="color: #4f81bd; mso-themecolor: accent1;">is
cancelled </span>for the rest of the day, Miles thinks nothing of it. <span style="color: #4f81bd; mso-themecolor: accent1;">the weather caused the cancelation
but didn’t cancel school. </span>Then, the rain suddenly turns red and mutates
people into gray, spike-covered creatures hell-bent on terrorizing everything
that moves. <span style="color: #4f81bd; mso-themecolor: accent1;">This could be
fleshed out…this is a huge part of the story and it’s told kind of in a hum
drum way. Spice this up.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<br />
Miles soon finds himself trapped <span style="color: #4f81bd; mso-themecolor: accent1;">at work</span> <s>inside of his job</s>, the Royal Cinema Theater,
along with his best friend <s>Trevor Johnson. There, he also meets</s> <span style="color: #4f81bd; mso-themecolor: accent1;">and </span>a group of teenagers
who can’t seem to get along,<span style="color: #4f81bd; mso-themecolor: accent1;">
again, kind of bland language, especially for an apocalyptic event</span> even
in a time of crisis. <span style="color: #4f81bd; mso-themecolor: accent1;">*<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
</div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
After one of the freakishly mutated people ends up inside <s>of</s>
the building, Miles and the others find themselves <s>up against</s> <span style="color: #4f81bd; mso-themecolor: accent1;">use stronger words…like fighting </span>an
enemy that is much stronger than they are. The race for survival against this
new, deadly species is on. <span style="color: #4f81bd; mso-themecolor: accent1;">This
is a great end summary sentence.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
</div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<s>With the blood rain falling all around him and the
yellow-eyed creatures, the threaders, out to murder anything that breathes,
Miles may not live to see his graduation day. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></s><span style="color: #4f81bd; mso-themecolor: accent1;">Delete this but move “murder anything that breathes” and “yellow-eyed
creatures” up and weave in, since those are good images. “May not live to see
his graduation day” is funny, but maybe move to * and tweak. Or see if it fits
elsewhere since it relays the humor you touch on throughout.<s><o:p></o:p></s></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
</div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<s>This novel connects with me on a personal level because I
have worked in a movie theater for more than three years now and I am familiar
with how a dangerous situation would affect the fragile system of the business.
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></s><span style="color: #4f81bd; mso-themecolor: accent1;">Funny but a lot of words for something that an agent
probably won’t be interested in.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
</div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
BRISKWOOD BLOOD RAIN, a stand-alone novel with strong series
potential, <span style="color: #4f81bd; mso-themecolor: accent1;">Great! </span>is
a thrilling apocalyptic page-turner <s>with commercial appeal</s> that is
currently complete at 61,000 words. Readers of Monument 14 by Emmy Laybourne
and Dark Inside by Jeyn Roberts will enjoy this adventure. <span style="color: #4f81bd; mso-themecolor: accent1;">Great comp titles, capitalize
them.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
</div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
Thank you for your time and consideration,</div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
Christopher Joubert</div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<o:p> </o:p></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="color: #4f81bd; mso-themecolor: accent1;">Good
start to a query, but make it more hooky!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<o:p> </o:p></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
Chapter 1</div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
</div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
It looks like my first accomplishment of the day is booking
myself a one-way-ticket to detention. <span style="color: #4f81bd; mso-themecolor: accent1;">Great first line! Mention here that he slept through his alarm or is
running late, or hasn’t managed to get out of bed yet to set the scene. </span>Senior
year has kicked my ass. <s>Lately,</s> I just haven’t been able to get enough
sleep because of the never-ending pointless stuff that comes along with the
last year of school. Just yesterday, I was forced to take what felt like a
million pictures for my graduation invitations. The smell of bacon wafts up the
stairs into my room and gives me just the push I need to begin another long
day. </div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<o:p> </o:p></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
“Miles, you’re going to be late<s>.</s><span style="color: #4f81bd; mso-themecolor: accent1;">,</span>” <s><span style="color: #4f81bd; mso-themecolor: accent1;">M</span></s><span style="color: #4f81bd; mso-themecolor: accent1;">my</span> mom screams from
downstairs. </div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<o:p> </o:p></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
“<s>Mom, <span style="color: #4f81bd; mso-themecolor: accent1;">y</span></s><span style="color: #4f81bd; mso-themecolor: accent1;">You</span> should be used to this
by now.” I yell back, my voice echoing down the halls of our large house. I
drag myself from the sanctuary of my bed <s>to the bathroom, turn on the sink,
and brush my teeth</s>. <span style="color: #4f81bd; mso-themecolor: accent1;">He
would probably pee first. </span><span style="color: #4f81bd; font-family: Wingdings; mso-ascii-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-char-type: symbol; mso-hansi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-symbol-font-family: Wingdings; mso-themecolor: accent1;"><span style="mso-char-type: symbol; mso-symbol-font-family: Wingdings;">J</span></span><span style="color: #4f81bd; mso-themecolor: accent1;"> But this info doesn’t have to be
in there. </span>The morning light breaks through the dark storm clouds outside
and shines through the window. As I throw on a wrinkled Breaking Bad T-shirt
and a pair of jeans splattered with spots of pizza sauce, it thunders loudly.<span style="color: #4f81bd; mso-themecolor: accent1;"> Tweak this sentence…you make it
sound like his jeans thunder loudly.</span> I slam the door <s>to the bathroom</s>
and bound down the winding spiral staircase. </div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<o:p> </o:p></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
When I enter the kitchen, I find my mom dancing to music from
whatever decade used an excessive amount of horns. Not stopping to figure it
out, I say hello to her over the noise <s>of the blasting portable speaker</s>,
grab a handful of bacon, <span style="color: #4f81bd; mso-themecolor: accent1;">Wouldn’t
that be gross and greasy? </span>and head towards the front door. She clears
her throat behind me, loud enough to be heard over the blasting saxophones and
trumpets. </div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<o:p> </o:p></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
“What?” I whip around and peek my head back inside the
kitchen. </div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<o:p> </o:p></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
“Are you forgetting what I asked you to do last night?”
Damn. I honestly have no idea what she’s talking about and I don’t exactly have
the time to hear her lecture me if I admit that. <s>She glares at me, giving me
the thorny and disapproving look that blooms inside of every mom when her child
starts to mature</s>. <span style="color: #4f81bd; mso-themecolor: accent1;">Way too
self-aware here.</span> Small wrinkles line the sides of her sad, blue eyes.
Her auburn hair is twisted into two braids and peppered with streaks of gray. </div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<o:p> </o:p></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="color: #4f81bd; mso-themecolor: accent1;">This is a
good first page, you’ve got a great voice for Miles. It just needs tightening
up…too much unnecessary info. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;">
<span style="font-size: large;">Thanks
again to Christopher Joubert for sharing his work with us!</span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-size: large;">For the next query visit Kate on her blog on 10/27 at
katekaryusquinn.blogspot.com and I’ll have another critique right here next
Tuesday!</span></div>
</div>
Demitriahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11597317699857591880noreply@blogger.com11tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4751321921235259477.post-91655580807816479442016-10-18T05:00:00.000-07:002016-10-18T05:00:28.762-07:00Pitchwars Query Critique – ARCANUM<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-size: large;">Here is another query critique for our pitchwars hopefuls.
I’ve pasted the entire query and first page, then again with my comments. Thank
you so much to Chris Hoerter for sharing with us!</span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<o:p> </o:p></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<o:p> </o:p></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
Dear Pitch Wars Mentor:<br />
<br />
Cyrus is a book-addicted 15-year-old boy who wants just one thing: to know his
parents. The problem is that they’re dead. Also a problem: being home-schooled
by his séance-obsessed sister, Jezanna. But when Jezanna’s latest lesson is
necromancy – and the homework is bringing Mom back from the dead – Cyrus knows
he has to stop her. <br />
<br />
In ARCANUM, a 71,000-word young adult novel of supernatural horror, Cyrus must
overcome his sister's betrayal, fight off her psychic followers, and uncover
her plans to bring back the souls of the dead. But the hardest part might be
learning to trust anyone ever again. <br />
<br />
If Cyrus fails, his sister will unleash an ancient evil with plans of its own –
and a thirst for the souls of the living.<br />
<br />
Thank you for volunteering your time as a Pitch Wars mentor. I hope to hear
from you soon!<br />
<br />
Best wishes,<br />
Chris Hoerter</div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<o:p> </o:p></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
************************</div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<o:p> </o:p></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
I never knew my mother – she died giving birth to me. But
that didn't necessarily mean I wanted to bring her back from the dead.</div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
</div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
I think for a lot of people, that would be exciting or
something. But believe me, boring is good. Take it from me: If someone wants to
give you a Tarot reading, or look at your palm -- don't get me started on Ouija
boards -- do yourself a favor and go play a video game. Maybe even go
crazy and read a book. You'll be happy you did. And -- bonus points -- you'll
get to live a normal life.</div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
</div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
Of course, I didn't know all that the night of the séance.</div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
</div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
I was perched in my favorite tree, reading. Sorry -- I mean,
"being home-schooled." The truth was that my sister gave up trying to
teach me anything about three years ago, when at the age of 12 I started to get
ahead of her in fields like math, biology, and astronomy. Real, scientifically
proven sorts of things, which Jezanna knew nothing about. Astrology, on the
other hand -- but I digress.</div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
</div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
Anyway, Jezanna's yelling interrupted my
everything's-perfect-tree-reading moment. </div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<o:p> </o:p></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
"Cyrus, they're here! Time for the séance!"</div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
</div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
I rolled my eyes, even though she couldn't see me. She was a
long way off still, and I was 10 feet off the ground, resting on the gnarled
bark of the old live oak, floating above a cloud of swaying Spanish moss. (Like
I said: Perfect.) I went back to Herodotus, who I thought had an undeserved
reputation for being a liar. He had what I thought was a pretty good approach
to history -- especially when you consider the guy was an ancient Greek. He
said, "I am bound to tell what I am told, but not in every case to believe
it." That strikes me as a reasonable approach, one with a dash of
skepticism, but not opposed to embellishing a bit for the sake of a good story.
</div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
</div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-size: large;">And now with my comments!</span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<o:p> </o:p></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
Dear Pitch Wars Mentor:<br />
<br />
Cyrus is a book-addicted 15-year-old boy who wants just one thing: to know his
parents. The problem is that they’re dead. <span style="color: #4f81bd; mso-themecolor: accent1;">Great opener!</span> Also a problem: being
home-schooled by his séance-obsessed sister, Jezanna. But when Jezanna’s latest
lesson is necromancy – and the homework is bringing Mom back from the dead –
Cyrus knows he has to stop her. <span style="color: #4f81bd; mso-themecolor: accent1;">Love
this first paragraph! It's grabby and interesting and reveals just the right
amount of plot.</span><br />
<br />
In ARCANUM, a 71,000-word young adult novel of supernatural horror, <span style="color: #4f81bd; mso-themecolor: accent1;">Move to a last paragraph and add
anything else relevant…are you a member of SCBWI, do you work with teens? Add any
pertinent details, including comp titles…maybe PARNORMALCY…although that’s a
bit old. Also,</span> <span style="color: #4f81bd; mso-themecolor: accent1;">your
tone in this query is a bit snarky (in a good way)…is there humor in the MS? Is
Cyrus a smartass? Maybe reflect that here. Paranormal horror with some snark.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="color: #4f81bd; mso-themecolor: accent1;"><o:p> </o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="color: #4f81bd; mso-themecolor: accent1;">Start
second paragraph with this </span>Cyrus must overcome his sister's betrayal,
fight off her psychic followers, and uncover her plans to bring back the souls
of the dead. <s>But the hardest part might be learning to trust anyone ever
again. </s><span style="color: #4f81bd; mso-themecolor: accent1;">This list seems
out of order…wouldn’t he uncover her plans before he overcomes her betrayal and
fights off her psychic followers?</span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: #4f81bd; mso-themecolor: accent1;">Move to end of above
paragraph. </span>If Cyrus fails, his sister will unleash an ancient evil with
plans of its own – and a thirst for the souls of the living. <span style="color: #4f81bd; mso-themecolor: accent1;">Great!</span><br />
<br />
Thank you for volunteering your time as a Pitch Wars mentor. I hope to hear
from you soon! <br />
<br />
Best wishes,<br />
Chris Hoerter</div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<o:p> </o:p></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="color: #4f81bd; mso-themecolor: accent1;">This is a
great start to a query…a tad bit light on details. Maybe add just a teeny bit
more…is there a love interest? What does Cyrus want? Just a few more sentences or
another paragraph in the middle to round out the story. Not too much though,
and what you already have is very good.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<o:p> </o:p></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
************************</div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<o:p> </o:p></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
I never knew my mother – she died giving birth to me. But
that didn't necessarily mean I wanted to bring her back from the dead. <span style="color: #4f81bd; mso-themecolor: accent1;">Great opener.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
</div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
I think for a lot of people, that <span style="color: #4f81bd; mso-themecolor: accent1;">idea </span>would be exciting or something. But believe
me, boring is good. Take it from me: If someone wants to give you a Tarot
reading, or look at your palm -- don't get me started on Ouija boards -- do
yourself a favor and go play a video game. Maybe even go crazy and read a
book. You'll be happy you did. And -- bonus points -- you'll get to live a
normal life.</div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
</div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
Of course, I didn't know all that the night of the séance.</div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
</div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
I was perched in my favorite tree, reading. Sorry -- I mean,
"being home-schooled." The truth was that my sister gave up trying to
teach me anything about three years ago, when at the age of 12 I started to get
ahead of her in fields like math, biology, and astronomy. Real, scientifically
proven sorts of things, which Jezanna knew nothing about. Astrology, on the
other hand<span style="color: #4f81bd; mso-themecolor: accent1;">…</span> <s>-- but
I digress.</s> <span style="color: #4f81bd; mso-themecolor: accent1;">Feels like too
much info here, could this info starting with The truth was…be added to a scene
a little later? Right now it feels like you’re forcing his smartness on the
reader instead of letting it unfold naturally.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
</div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<s>Anyway,</s> Jezanna's yelling interrupted my
everything's-perfect-tree-reading moment. </div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<o:p> </o:p></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
"Cyrus, they're here! Time for the séance!"</div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
</div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
I rolled my eyes, even though she couldn't see me. She was a
long way off still, and I was 10 feet off the ground, resting on the gnarled
bark of the old live oak, floating above a cloud of swaying Spanish moss. (Like
I said: Perfect.) <s>I went back to Herodotus, who I thought had an undeserved
reputation for being a liar. He had what I thought was a pretty good approach
to history -- especially when you consider the guy was an ancient Greek. He said,
"I am bound to tell what I am told, but not in every case to believe
it." That strikes me as a reasonable approach, one with a dash of
skepticism, but not opposed to embellishing a bit for the sake of a good story.
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></s><span style="color: #4f81bd; mso-themecolor: accent1;">Unnecessary and really brings the pacing of the scene
crashing to a halt. Bring in the sister, show how un-normal she is…keep the
momentum of the idea of bringing back his parents and the impending séance.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<o:p> </o:p></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;">
<span style="font-size: large;">Thanks
again to Chris Hoerter for sharing his work with us!</span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-size: large;">For the next query visit Kate on her blog on 10/20 at
katekaryusquinn.blogspot.com and I’ll have another critique right here next
Tuesday!</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-size: large;"></span> </div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
</div>
</div>
Demitriahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11597317699857591880noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4751321921235259477.post-63386047059540991782016-10-11T05:00:00.000-07:002016-10-11T10:21:41.554-07:00Pitchwars Critique – INTO THE PALE<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-size: large;">Here is another query critique for one of our pitchwars hopefuls.
Thank you so much to Ellie Cypher for sharing with us! Ellie has asked that I
critique the first page of her newest WIP, so there’s no query with this one.
I’ve posted the full page, then again with my comments.</span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<o:p> </o:p></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
The answer to what freezes first is the eyes. </div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<o:p> </o:p></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
That ain’t something most people would guess. Most folk
would say it was the fingers or toes. Or maybe even the guts, if they were out.
Once, I’d even heard a man say it was the tongue that froze first. But I know
better. Always have. </div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
Raising a gloved hand to my fur lined hood, I tilted my head
and looked at the body by my feet.</div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
Guess he knew now too.</div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<o:p> </o:p></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
I scuffed my boot across the crystal-flecked surface of the
man’s canvas blue jacket. The motion sent small swirls of snow, as fine dust,
out into the cold draught around us. The night had froze the man’s breath right
across his face. The warm water of his lungs expelled and made real, like a
spider’s web. I reached down.</div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<o:p> </o:p></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
Only idiots tried to cross the Ice Flats in the night. Greta
had been once again right. Usual. Buried treasure my ass. Only thing out this
way was the cold. And death. And hunger. Lots of hunger. </div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<o:p> </o:p></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
“Marjorie!”</div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<o:p> </o:p></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
I started. Shit. Would she not just leave me be? The holler
came again. I frowned and jumped up. </div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<o:p> </o:p></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
Way I figured it, anyone dumb or greedy enough to think
otherwise pretty much damn well had it coming. It ain’t like they couldn’t see
all them grave markers out front. Little grey stone warnings in the permafrost,
they made a jagged line of snowy teeth. A boundary line between life and death.
Between the Flats and the whole rest of the world. </div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<o:p> </o:p></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<o:p> </o:p></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-size: large;">Now with my comments!</span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<o:p> </o:p></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<o:p> </o:p></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
The answer to what freezes first is the eyes. <span style="color: #4f81bd; mso-themecolor: accent1;">I like this first line but maybe
simplify to make it more punchy with just, What freezes first are the eyes or, The eyes freeze first.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<o:p> </o:p></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
That ain’t something most people would guess. Most folk
would say it was the fingers or toes. Or maybe even the guts, if they were out.
Once, I’d even heard a man say it was the tongue that froze first. But I know
better. Always have. <span style="color: #4f81bd; mso-themecolor: accent1;">Love
this voice and super creepy inner monologue.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<o:p> </o:p></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
Raising a gloved hand to my fur lined hood, I tilted my head
and looked at the body by my feet.</div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
Guess he knew now too.</div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<o:p> </o:p></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
I scuffed my boot across the crystal-flecked surface of the
man’s canvas blue jacket. The motion sent small swirls of snow, as fine dust,
out into the cold draught around us. <span style="color: #4f81bd; mso-themecolor: accent1;">Nice!</span> The night had froze<span style="color: #4f81bd; mso-themecolor: accent1;">n (or keep wrong for voice)</span> the man’s breath right across his
face. The warm water of his lungs expelled <span style="color: #4f81bd; mso-themecolor: accent1;">WC, maybe too a big a word for current voice… </span>and
made real, <span style="color: #4f81bd; mso-themecolor: accent1;">WC solid</span>
like a spider’s web. I reached down. <span style="color: #4f81bd; mso-themecolor: accent1;">And does what? Touches his face, his frozen breath? Or does she just
kneel down?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<o:p> </o:p></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
Only idiots tried to cross the Ice Flats <s>in the</s> <span style="color: #4f81bd; mso-themecolor: accent1;">at </span>night. Greta had been
once again right. Usual. Buried treasure my ass. Only thing out this way was
the cold. And death. And hunger. Lots of hunger. </div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<o:p> </o:p></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
“Marjorie!”</div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<o:p> </o:p></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
I started. Shit. <span style="color: #4f81bd; mso-themecolor: accent1;">I’m fine with cursing in YA but on the first page might be a little
off putting for some…you can make a world building curse that she uses that isn’t
actually a bad word. </span>Would she <span style="color: #4f81bd; mso-themecolor: accent1;">instead of she, maybe a name…is this the Greta mentioned above?</span>
not just leave me be? The holler came again. I frowned and jumped up. </div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<o:p> </o:p></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
Way I figured it, anyone dumb or greedy enough to think
otherwise pretty much damn well had it coming. It ain’t like they couldn’t see
all them grave markers out front. Little grey stone warnings in the permafrost,
they made a jagged line of snowy teeth. A boundary line between life and death.
Between the Flats and the whole rest of the world. <span style="color: #4f81bd; mso-themecolor: accent1;">Love this paragraph!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<o:p> </o:p></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="color: #4f81bd; mso-themecolor: accent1;">This is a
very good first page…I would definitely keep reading to see what’s next.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<o:p> </o:p></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;">
<span style="font-size: large;">Thanks
again to Ellie Cypher for sharing her work with us!</span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-size: large;">For the next query visit Kate on her blog on 10/13 at katekaryusquinn.blogspot.com
and I’ll have another critique right here next Tuesday!</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
</div>
</div>
Demitriahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11597317699857591880noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4751321921235259477.post-44969464144925733862016-10-04T06:00:00.000-07:002016-10-04T06:00:17.540-07:00Pitchwars Query Critique – THE EXILES<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-size: large;">Here is another query critique for our pitchwars hopefuls.
I’ve pasted the entire query and first page, then again with my comments. Thank
you so much to Emily Suarez for sharing with us!</span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<o:p> </o:p></div>
<o:p> </o:p><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
Dear Mentor, </div>
<o:p> </o:p><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
Best friends Lyzzi and Julian have been bounced from one
eccentric foster home to the next. Neither can remember much of their pasts,
but they suspect there is more to their childhood than what they can remember.
The two teens meet Nicky, Julian’s shy new neighbor, and together they stumble
into a magical yet familiar world. Thrust out of her comfort zone and into a
country warring against a corrupt regime, Nicky makes a dangerous friend while
Lyzzi and Julian contend with the truth of who they are as they struggle to
survive.</div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<o:p> </o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
For Julian, life was complicated enough without discovering
he and his best friend Lyzzi are the exiled heirs to the overthrown monarchy of
a magical country. Lyzzi, however, is delighted to find answers and eager to
resume her role as heir. Nicky is unwittingly whisked into her new friends'
chaos. Separated from the others, she makes a tentative friend in Mytch --
someone she should consider an enemy. Chased by magicians, eerie faeries and
werewolves, the teens just need to stay safe long enough for the Rebels to win
the ongoing civil war and for Nicky and her family to make it home alive.</div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<o:p> </o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
At 100,000 words complete THE EXILES is a young adult
fantasy exploring friendship and loyalty set in a world where every turn leads
to danger and new discoveries.</div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<o:p> </o:p></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
Thank you for your consideration.</div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
Emily Suarez</div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
suarez.emilyrose@gmail.com</div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<o:p> </o:p></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
---</div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<o:p> </o:p></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
Chapter One</div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<o:p> </o:p></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
Julian was leaving another home. </div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<o:p> </o:p></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
He was standing on the cobblestone walk in front of the old
shotgun house with ivy creeping over the porch. The street smelled of pot
smoke. He hefted the last cardboard box into his arms and hesitated, glancing
one last time at the front door. He felt numb as he stared. It was his body’s
defense against more change.</div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<o:p> </o:p></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
"You should be used to moving around by now," Abbey
said checking his watch. Abbey had been Julian’s caseworker for the last year
and a half. "How many different families you been with for the last six
years?"</div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<o:p> </o:p></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
Julian frowned and finally turned away from the house.
"Why the last six?"</div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<o:p> </o:p></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
Abbey’s brow furrowed and he looked at his watch again as he
shrugged. "Six seems like a good number."</div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<o:p> </o:p></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
Julian looked at the man. He dressed like a character out of
a steampunk novel with his vintage suits and golden pocket watches. Julian was
used to strange people, however. He had been with foster parents that were far
stranger than Abbey, but he couldn’t complain -- he had heard horror stories
from kids who ended up in abusive homes. He had always been lucky. At sixteen,
he couldn't remember a time before he had been in the system, but the worst he
had to deal with were a few eccentricities -- strange social habits, a couple
who didn’t own cellphones and this last family might have been drug
dealers. People were always showing up at odd hours of the night. Julian was
vaguely aware that his experiences were unique compared to other state kids,
but, unlike his best friend Lyzzi, he tried not to dwell on the strangeness.</div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-size: 8pt;"><o:p> </o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-size: 8pt;"><o:p> </o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-size: large;">Now with my comments!</span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<o:p> </o:p></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
Dear Mentor, </div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<o:p> </o:p></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
Best friends Lyzzi and Julian have been bounced from one
eccentric foster home to the next. Neither can remember much of their pasts,
but they suspect there is more to their childhood than what they can remember. <span style="color: #4f81bd; mso-themecolor: accent1;">Bit blah and vague. How does this
memory loss make them feel? Are they disturbed by it, resigned?</span> The two
teens meet Nicky, Julian’s shy new neighbor, and together they stumble into a
magical yet familiar world. Thrust out of her comfort zone <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>and into a country warring against a corrupt
regime, Nicky makes a dangerous friend while Lyzzi and Julian contend with the
truth of who they are as they struggle to survive.<span style="color: #4f81bd; mso-themecolor: accent1;"> Again, this whole paragraph a bit blah…needs to be
more catchy. These query summaries aren’t just about this happens then this
happens then this happens, they’re about making an agent want to read more! You
can be a bit more specific too if it’s something that will hook the reader!</span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<o:p> </o:p></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
For Julian, life was complicated enough without discovering
he and his best friend Lyzzi are the exiled heirs to the overthrown monarchy of
a magical country. Lyzzi, however, is delighted to find answers and eager to
resume her role as heir. Nicky is unwittingly whisked into her new friends'
chaos. Separated from the others, she makes a tentative friend in Mytch --
someone she should consider an enemy. Chased by magicians, eerie faeries and
werewolves, the teens just need to stay safe long enough for the Rebels to win
the ongoing civil war and for Nicky and her family to make it home alive. <span style="color: #4f81bd; mso-themecolor: accent1;">I’ve seen this a lot…the first two
paragraphs seem like they are each a first paragraph…I’m guessing you have
alternating perspective? Blend this together with the relevant info from above
and think about plot points that will intrigue an agent!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<o:p> </o:p></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
At 100,000 words complete THE EXILES is a young adult
fantasy exploring friendship and loyalty set in a world where every turn leads
to danger and new discoveries. <span style="color: #4f81bd; mso-themecolor: accent1;">Maybe
add some comp titles here. Are you a member of SCBWI? If so add here too.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<o:p> </o:p></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<o:p> </o:p></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
Thank you for your consideration.</div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<o:p> </o:p></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
Emily Suarez</div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
suarez.emilyrose@gmail.com</div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<o:p> </o:p></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="color: #4f81bd; mso-themecolor: accent1;">This
query reads like the story is very MG…very THE LION THE WITCH AND THE WARDROBE.
Bring out the YA elements from the story into the query summary. Is there a
romance? Add more on the obstacles your characters have to overcome.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
---</div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<o:p> </o:p></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
Chapter One</div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<o:p> </o:p></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
Julian was leaving another home. <span style="color: #4f81bd; mso-themecolor: accent1;">Great first line!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<o:p> </o:p></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
He was standing <span style="color: #4f81bd; mso-themecolor: accent1;">stood</span> on the cobblestone walk in front of the old shotgun house
with ivy creeping over the porch. The street smelled of pot smoke. He hefted
the last cardboard box into his arms and hesitated, glancing one last time at
the front door. He felt numb as he stared. <s>It was</s> his body’s defense
against more change.</div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<o:p> </o:p></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
"You should be used to moving around by now,"
Abbey said checking his <span style="color: #4f81bd; mso-themecolor: accent1;">is
Abbey a male? Shouldn’t he be Mr. Somebody?</span> watch. Abbey had been
Julian’s caseworker for the last year and a half. "How many different
families you been with for the last six years?"</div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<o:p> </o:p></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
Julian frowned and finally turned away from the house.
"Why the last six?"</div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<o:p> </o:p></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
Abbey’s brow furrowed and he looked at his watch again as he
shrugged. "Six seems like a good number."</div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<o:p> </o:p></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
Julian looked at the man. He dressed like a character out of
a steampunk novel with his vintage suits and golden pocket watches. Julian was
used to <span style="background: yellow; mso-highlight: yellow;">strange</span>
people, however. He had been with foster parents that were far <span style="background: yellow; mso-highlight: yellow;">stranger</span> than Abbey, but
he couldn’t complain -- he had heard horror stories from kids who ended up in
abusive homes. He had always been lucky. At sixteen, he couldn't remember a
time before he had been in the system, but the worst he had to deal with were a
few eccentricities -- <span style="background: yellow; mso-highlight: yellow;">strange</span>
social habits, a couple who didn’t own cellphones and this last family
might have been drug dealers. <span style="color: #4f81bd; mso-themecolor: accent1;">Don’t
think drug dealers qualify as just a little eccentric. </span>People were
always showing up at odd hours of the night. Julian was vaguely aware that his
experiences were unique compared to other state kids, but, unlike his best
friend Lyzzi, he tried not to dwell on the <span style="background: yellow; mso-highlight: yellow;">strange</span>ness.</div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-size: 8pt;"><o:p> </o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="color: #4f81bd; mso-themecolor: accent1;">This is
good background info on Julian, but for me, this first page doesn’t make me
want to keep reading…I don’t get a sense of who Julian is so I’m not sure if I
care what happens to him. Perhaps Lyzzi can actually come to see Julian off,
and they can have a conversation about their past “eccentric homes.” That way
we can get out of the telling mode and see a bit of Julian’s personality, as
well as learn organically that Lyzzi is his best friend, instead of just being
told. Then I would be invested in his future and want to keep turning those
pages!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;">
<span style="font-size: large;">Thanks
again to Emily Suarez for sharing her work with us!</span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-size: large;">For the next query visit Kate on her blog on 10/6 at
katekaryusquinn.blogspot.com and I’ll have another critique right here next
Tuesday!</span></div>
</div>
Demitriahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11597317699857591880noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4751321921235259477.post-80186659135434120852016-09-27T05:00:00.000-07:002016-09-27T09:32:18.983-07:00Pitchwars Query Critique - THE KEY OF F<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-size: large;">Here is another query critique for our pitchwars hopefuls.
I’ve pasted the entire query and first page, then again with my comments. Thank
you so much to Jennifer Haskin for sharing with us!</span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<o:p> </o:p></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
Dear Mentor: </div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<o:p> </o:p></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
I read on your bio that you have an interest in young adult
fantasy literature. As such, I thought you might enjoy THE KEY OF F, the first
novel in my fantasy/romance trilogy; a 75,000- word young adult (16+) novel. </div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<o:p> </o:p></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
After receiving visions of future events, Fale Argodian- an
eighteen year old orphan trained as a samurai- learns she was the Princess of
Mages in a past life and must go into hiding under the care of a coterie of mages.
</div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<o:p> </o:p></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
On an Earth-like planet, in a country named Algea, Fale
lives in the Industrial District. It is also home to a dastardly wizard who is
using the industrial plant to turn people into machines. When Fale discovers
that those metal people are sadistic guards having turned her subjects into
slaves in a parallel dimension, she resolves to do anything in her power to
rescue them. But to fight the evil, she must enlist the help of a biomechanical
man, as well as her two best friends, to find a dimension- opening machine to
which only she <br />
has the key. </div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<o:p> </o:p></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
Fale and her three friends have a single goal; find the
machine before the head wizard, who will use it to send his metal guard army to
conquer new dimensions, stealing their magic and gaining power. What was a race
against time becomes a battle when evil henchmen attempt to abduct Fale and her
key. The head wizard’s men begin appearing, as do Fale’s powers and the
situation complicates for all. Now Fale must fight the wizards, learn her history with the mages, remain hidden, practice her new powers,
and find the machine, all while becoming more than friends with her handsome
biomechanical roommate. THE KEY OF F will appeal to fans of Sarah J. Maas’
THRONE OF GLASS or S.J. West’s VANKARA and DRAGON <br />
ALLIANCE.</div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<o:p> </o:p></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
Jennifer lives in Olathe, Kansas and is writing full time.
She is a published poet for Lodestar, Inklings and Read magazine. You can learn
more about her personally on her Facebook page at: <a href="http://www.facebook.com/Jenni.Willis.Haskin" target="_blank"><span style="color: blue;">www.facebook.com/Jenni.Willis.Haskin</span></a>
She is happy to send her complete manuscript for your review. </div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<o:p> </o:p></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
Thank you for your time. </div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
Sincerely, </div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
Jennifer Haskin <br />
<a href="http://www.facebook.com/FreedomFightTrilogy" target="_blank"><span style="color: blue;">www.facebook.com/FreedomFightTrilogy</span></a></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<o:p> </o:p></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<o:p> </o:p></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
The Key of F <br />
Freedom Fight Trilogy #1 <br />
By Jennifer Haskin <br />
<!--[if !supportLineBreakNewLine]--><br />
<!--[endif]--><br /></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
Chapter 1 </div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<o:p> </o:p></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It wasn’t the
twin moons of Thera, or their six month eclipse that drove Fale inside; it
wasn’t even the spring chill. She had dreamt of a war; one that she had never
been in, and yet she had led the army. Today she wanted to be around people she
knew and trusted. She thought her city was safe. Still, tingles ran the length
of her arms, warning her that something sinister was inevitable. She shook her
limbs to ward off the tremors of edgy nerves and pushed through the glass door.
Immediately she felt the thump of a low and steady bass guitar, as a musical
lament rang through the smoky antechamber. A torrid blast of heat hit Fale in
the face as she entered the pub during its lunchtime press. This place is like
a sauna, she thought as she scanned the room looking for her party. Her friends
were hard to find in the boisterous crowd. She sidled down the bar to the back
booths and found them, waving and calling her name over the noise. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
“Fale!” yelled her best friend, a beautiful young
woman with chocolate eyes and copper skin. “Hurry up, lunch is almost over.”
Fale smiled brightly as their friend, Keron, stepped out of the booth for her
to slide in. The seats, once a vibrant red leather, were now dull and cracked
with wear. <br />
“Sorry, Izzy.” They hugged briefly. “How were your
morning classes?” she shouted above the noise of the deafening full table next
to them.</div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<o:p> </o:p></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-size: large;">And now with my comments!</span></div>
<br />
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<o:p> </o:p></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
Dear Mentor: <span style="color: #4f81bd; mso-themecolor: accent1;">For
Pitchwars, this is fine and you probably already know this, but make sure the
agents name is here…and correct! </span><span style="color: #4f81bd; font-family: "wingdings"; mso-ascii-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-char-type: symbol; mso-hansi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-symbol-font-family: Wingdings; mso-themecolor: accent1;"><span style="mso-char-type: symbol; mso-symbol-font-family: Wingdings;">J</span></span><span style="color: #4f81bd; mso-themecolor: accent1;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
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<o:p> </o:p></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
I read on your bio that you have an interest in young adult
fantasy literature. As such, I thought you might enjoy THE KEY OF F, <s>the
first novel in my</s> fantasy/romance <s>trilogy</s>; a 75,000- word young
adult (16+) <span style="color: #4f81bd; mso-themecolor: accent1;">usually YAs are
12 and up or 14 and up…you’re really limiting yourself with 16+ because kids
usually read up…even the more graphic novels that deal with sex and violence
and have course language are usually 14+ </span>novel. </div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<o:p> </o:p></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="color: #4f81bd; mso-themecolor: accent1;">I would
move this whole sentence to the end. You also want to make sure that this novel
can stand alone in case an agent/publisher doesn’t want to take on a trilogy.
Usually you would add to the end, with series potential. If an agent is
interested, then you can share your trilogy ideas and they will discuss with
you what they think about pitching it as a series.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<o:p> </o:p></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
After receiving visions of future events, Fale Argodian- an
eighteen year old orphan trained as a samurai- learns she was the Princess of
Mages in a past life and must go into hiding under the care of a coterie of mages.
<span style="color: #4f81bd; mso-themecolor: accent1;">This sentence tells a lot
and gets the plot out there, which is excellent, but you want to do it in a
more dynamic hooky way! What are the visions? Usually you wouldn’t think of an
eighteen year old as an orphan…since they’re basically a grown up…is there a
reason the MC isn’t seventeen or sixteen to ground it more firmly in YA?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<o:p> </o:p></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
On an Earth-like planet, <span style="color: #4f81bd; mso-themecolor: accent1;">If this is fantasy, you don’t have to specify…this
makes it sound more sci-fi</span> in a country named Algea, Fale lives in the
Industrial District. It is also home to a dastardly wizard who is using the
industrial plant to turn people into machines. When Fale discovers that those
metal people are sadistic guards having turned her subjects into slaves in a parallel
dimension, she resolves to do anything in her power to rescue them. <span style="color: #4f81bd; mso-themecolor: accent1;">Confusing…the metal people are
sadistic? Who is she trying to save? Why does she care about this other
dimension? </span>But to fight the evil, she must enlist the help of a biomechanical
man, as well as her two best friends, to find a dimension- opening machine to
which only she has the key. <span style="color: #4f81bd; mso-themecolor: accent1;">This
second paragraph seem like another first paragraph! Is this the same story as
above? </span><span style="color: #4f81bd; font-family: "wingdings"; mso-ascii-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-char-type: symbol; mso-hansi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-symbol-font-family: Wingdings; mso-themecolor: accent1;"><span style="mso-char-type: symbol; mso-symbol-font-family: Wingdings;">J</span></span><span style="color: #4f81bd; mso-themecolor: accent1;"> Blend all this info together.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<o:p> </o:p></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
Fale <span style="color: #4f81bd; mso-themecolor: accent1;">Just
pointing out that Fale sounds like Fail…you might want to think about that </span>and
her three friends have a single goal; find the machine before the head wizard,
who will use it to send his metal guard army to conquer new dimensions,
stealing their magic and gaining power. What was a race against time becomes a
battle <span style="color: #4f81bd; mso-themecolor: accent1;">with? </span>when
evil henchmen attempt to abduct Fale and her key. <s>The head wizard’s men
begin appearing, as do Fale’s powers and the situation complicates for all.</s>
Now Fale must fight the wizards, learn her history with the mages, remain hidden, practice her new powers,
and find the machine, all while becoming more than friends <span style="color: #4f81bd; mso-themecolor: accent1;">bit bland…spruce it up! </span>with
her handsome biomechanical roommate. THE KEY OF F will appeal to fans of Sarah
J. Maas’ THRONE OF GLASS or S.J. West’s VANKARA and DRAGON <br />
ALLIANCE. <span style="color: #4f81bd; mso-themecolor: accent1;">Great comp titles!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<o:p> </o:p></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="color: #4f81bd; mso-themecolor: accent1;">This
whole summary is a bit…garbled. You have info in there, but it doesn’t all seem
to be the right info? Even seasoned authors have trouble writing short
summaries, it’s difficult to decide what to put in and what not to. It’s also
hard to walk the line between hooking the reader and getting all the info
needed. Think about the back of books (or the jacket) and try to write one for
your story…then flesh it out with pertinent info and you have your query
summary!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<o:p> </o:p></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
Jennifer lives in Olathe, Kansas and is writing full time.
She is a published poet for Lodestar, Inklings and Read magazine. You can learn
more about her personally on her Facebook page at: <a href="http://www.facebook.com/Jenni.Willis.Haskin" target="_blank"><span style="color: blue;">www.facebook.com/Jenni.Willis.Haskin</span></a>
She is happy to send her complete manuscript for your review. <span style="color: #4f81bd; mso-themecolor: accent1;">In a query this should be in first
person…where you live is totally not important and I’ve never seen anyone put
their fb page in a query. Add in the book info from the first para and cut the unnecessary
info from this one. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<o:p> </o:p></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
Thank you for your time. <span style="color: #4f81bd; mso-themecolor: accent1;">It’s always good to be polite!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
Sincerely, </div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
Jennifer Haskin <br />
<a href="http://www.facebook.com/FreedomFightTrilogy" target="_blank"><span style="color: blue;">www.facebook.com/FreedomFightTrilogy</span></a>
<span style="color: #4f81bd; mso-themecolor: accent1;">Oh, this is interesting you already
have a fb fan page. By saying trilogy instead of series or book, you’re
limiting yourself. I mentioned and agent/publisher might want a standalone, but
they also might want more than three books.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<o:p> </o:p></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<o:p> </o:p></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
The Key of F <br />
Freedom Fight Trilogy #1 <br />
By Jennifer Haskin <br />
<!--[if !supportLineBreakNewLine]--><br />
<!--[endif]--><br /></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
Chapter 1 </div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<o:p> </o:p></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It wasn’t the
twin moons of Thera, or their six month eclipse that drove Fale inside; <span style="color: #4f81bd; mso-themecolor: accent1;">why would this drive her inside at
all? The darkness?</span> it wasn’t even the spring chill. She had dreamt of a
war;<span style="color: #4f81bd; mso-themecolor: accent1;">When? Last night or a
vision?</span> one that she had never been in, and yet she had led the army. <span style="color: #4f81bd; mso-themecolor: accent1;">/</span> Today she wanted to be
around people she knew and trusted. She thought her city was safe. Still, tingles ran the length
of her arms, warning her that something sinister was inevitable. <span style="color: #4f81bd; mso-themecolor: accent1;">Awkward sentence </span>She shook
her limbs to ward off the tremors of edgy nerves and pushed through the glass
door.<span style="color: #4f81bd; mso-themecolor: accent1;">into the tavern or pub
or whatever</span> <span style="color: #4f81bd; mso-themecolor: accent1;">/ </span>Immediately
she felt the thump of a low and steady bass guitar, as a musical lament rang
through the smoky antechamber. A torrid blast of heat hit Fale in the face as
she entered the pub during its lunchtime press. This place is like a sauna, she
thought as she scanned the room looking for her party. Her friends were hard to
find in the boisterous crowd. She sidled down the bar to the back booths and
found them, waving and calling her name over the noise. <span style="color: #4f81bd; mso-themecolor: accent1;">This is the LONGEST first paragraph ever! Put /
where I thought you could break it up.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
“Fale!” yelled her best friend, a beautiful young
woman with chocolate eyes and copper skin.<span style="color: #4f81bd; mso-themecolor: accent1;">Would Fale think these things…what about her is “beautiful?”</span>
“Hurry up, lunch is almost over.” Fale smiled brightly as their friend, Keron,
stepped out of the booth for her to slide in. The seats, once a vibrant red
leather, were now dull and cracked with wear. <br />
“Sorry, Izzy.”<span style="color: #4f81bd; mso-themecolor: accent1;">Sorry for what?</span> They hugged briefly. “How were your morning
classes?” she shouted above the noise of the deafening full table next to them.</div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;">
<span style="color: #4f81bd; mso-themecolor: accent1;">So this beginning isn’t very
dynamic…why not start with Fale’s dream/vision. A war scene!? Yes please. What
did she see? Why did it freak her out more so than any other nightmare? Then
you can ease the reader into Fale’s life/friends.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;">
<span style="font-size: large;">Thanks
again to Jennifer Haskin for sharing her work with us!</span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-size: large;">For the next query visit Kate on her blog on 9/29 at
katekaryusquinn.blogspot.com and I’ll have another critique right here next
Tuesday!</span></div>
</div>
Demitriahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11597317699857591880noreply@blogger.com13tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4751321921235259477.post-83234541347212238862016-09-20T05:00:00.000-07:002016-09-20T05:00:03.934-07:00Pitchwars Query Critique – THE ORPHAN RESISTANCE<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<span style="font-size: large;">Here is another query critique for one of our pitchwars hopefuls.
I’ve pasted the entire query and first page, then again with my comments. Thank
you so much to Greg Schwartz for sharing with us!</span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<o:p> </o:p></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
In the near future, a catastrophic virus covers the world
and decimates the American population, affecting only those who have entered
puberty. Dubbed “Orphan,” the virus leaves the few survivors sterile and in
need of constant transfusions. With uninfected children remaining as the sole
source of clean blood, a rift soon forms between the generations leading to
widespread violence and disappearances.<br />
<br />
Ten years after Orphan, a boy wakes up in the back of a transport truck with no
memories of his life. Upon arriving at a military installation, he learns his
blood may contain the cure for those left symptomatic a decade earlier.
Imprisoned in the bowels of the compound, the boy has no choice but surrender
to the experiments of a strange doctor.<br />
<br />
After spending barely more than twenty four hours captive, a botched breakout
led by a dissenting faction of adults leaves the boy stranded on the surface.
Alone in a world full of empty streets and abandoned buildings, fatigue and
dehydration soon sap his strength. While hiding under a bush with his
consciousness fading, two teenagers discover the boy and carry him back to
their resistance: a group of children doing whatever it takes to survive in a
world where the old prey on the young.<br />
<br />
At 62,000 words, THE ORPHAN RESISTANCE is *Lord of the Flies* meets *The Hunger
Games* with a touch of *Bourne*: a completed and polished YA post-apocalyptic,
dystopian novel. <br />
<br />
I am a summa cum laude graduate of the University of Massachusetts at Amherst’s
English program with a specialization in creative writing. I have been writing
for twelve years, eight of which have been dedicated solely to my own projects.
I have had poetry published in the undergraduate journal Jabberwocky (Spring,
2014), and had my short story “The Girl of the Rising Sun” featured in a showcase
(Spring, 2014). <br />
<br />
Thank you very much for your time. I can’t wait to hear back and (hopefully)
work with you!<br />
<br />
Sincerely,<br />
Greg Schwartz</div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<o:p> </o:p></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;">
1.
</div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;">
A
violent bounce returned him to consciousness. </div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;">
Dull
throbs echoed through his head. For several moments he could only grasp his own
existence, until another bounce shook enough of the drowsiness away to offer
some lucidity. </div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;">
His
eyes drifted open to two bare feet—his feet, given how the toes wiggled at his
command. He shifted his gaze and spotted a pair of black combat boots to the
right, and then a pair of combat boots to the left. </div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;">
An
ache in his back prompted him to try stretching, and the boy found himself
wrapped in a white straitjacket. He strained against the restraints for a
second or two, then submitted to fatigue. Neither pair of boots flanking him
had moved an inch. </div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;">
Steady
rain pelted the roof and mixed with the loud drone of a diesel engine. The
whole truck rattled and shook as it sped through the night. </div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;">
Continuing
to stare at his feet, the boy wondered where he was and—following that—where he
was going. That made him wonder why he was going wherever he was going. As he
tried to recall the events leading to his imprisonment, his body tensed with
the realization that he didn’t know his own name. </div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;">
The
boy raised his gaze and found an unblinking pair of eyes opposite him. They
belonged to a man—the darkness obscured most of his features, but the boy
guessed he must’ve been in his forties. The silhouette revealed a cap and
uniform, perhaps an officer’s. The world outside whizzed by behind the
officer’s head, illuminated every now and then by orange streetlights. For a
brief instant, the boy thought he saw the glint of stars stitched onto the
man’s shoulders, but the darkness returned too quickly to know for certain. </div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<o:p> </o:p></div>
<br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-size: large;">And now with my comments!</span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<o:p> </o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<o:p> </o:p></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
In the near future, a catastrophic virus <s>covers the world
and</s> decimates the American population, affecting only those who have
entered puberty. <span style="color: #4f81bd; mso-themecolor: accent1;">Entered or
gone through? Is this MG or YA…because if it’s entered than it would affect
anyone over the age of 12ish? </span>Dubbed “Orphan,” the virus leaves the few
survivors sterile and in need of constant transfusions. <span style="color: #4f81bd; mso-themecolor: accent1;">Why are there few survivors…what else does the
virus do? Seems important to get that info in here. If it’s called Orphan, (great
name!) I’m assuming most of the adults are dead? </span>With uninfected
children remaining as the sole source of clean blood, a rift soon forms between
the generations leading to widespread violence and disappearances. <span style="color: #4f81bd; mso-themecolor: accent1;">Why do the survivors need “clean”
blood? I appreciate you trying to avoid an info-dump but this could use a few
specifics.</span><br />
<br />
Ten years after Orphan, a boy <span style="color: #4f81bd; mso-themecolor: accent1;">so
a child, not a teen?</span> wakes up in the back of a transport truck with no
memories of his life. Upon arriving at a military installation, he learns his
blood may contain the cure for those left symptomatic a decade earlier.
Imprisoned in the bowels of the compound, the boy has no choice but surrender
to the experiments of a strange doctor.<br />
<br />
After spending barely more than twenty four hours captive, <span style="color: #4f81bd; mso-themecolor: accent1;">Very wordy, maybe just say soon?</span>
a botched breakout led by a dissenting faction of adults leaves the boy
stranded on the surface. Alone in a world full of empty streets and abandoned
buildings, fatigue and dehydration soon sap his strength. <s>While hiding under
a bush</s> with his consciousness fading, two teenagers discover the boy and
carry him back to their resistance: a group of children doing whatever it takes
to survive in a world where the old prey on the young.<span style="color: #4f81bd; mso-themecolor: accent1;"> But wouldn’t the teens need “clean” blood too? Needs
clarification.</span><br />
<br />
At 62,000 words, THE ORPHAN RESISTANCE is *Lord of the Flies* meets *The Hunger
Games* <span style="color: #4f81bd; mso-themecolor: accent1;">The HUNGER GAMES are
done and very overused…I would caution against naming them a comp title </span>with
a touch of *Bourne*: a completed <s>and polished</s> YA post-apocalyptic,
dystopian <span style="color: #4f81bd; mso-themecolor: accent1;">dystopian has
become a bad word in publishing, would just leave it at post-apocalyptic </span>novel.
<span style="color: #4f81bd; mso-themecolor: accent1;">Would rewrite to tighten up
this sentence.</span><br />
<br />
I am a summa cum laude graduate of the University of Massachusetts at Amherst’s
English program with a specialization in creative writing. <s>I have been
writing for twelve years, eight of which have been dedicated solely to my own
projects.</s> I have had poetry published in the undergraduate journal
Jabberwocky (Spring, 2014), and had my short story “The Girl of the Rising Sun”
featured in a showcase (Spring, 2014). <span style="color: #4f81bd; mso-themecolor: accent1;">This is great!</span><br />
<br />
Thank you very much for your time. I can’t wait to hear back and (hopefully)
work with you!<br />
<br />
Sincerely,<br />
Greg Schwartz</div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<o:p> </o:p></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="color: #4f81bd; mso-themecolor: accent1;">This is
overall very good with a few tweaks needed. The only general critique is that
the boy seems to be very passive in this short summary…things happen to him
instead of him making choices that push the plot forward. Not sure if it’s just
in this summary or in your story, so you might want to think about that and
perhaps tweak the short summary to make the boy more active.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<o:p> </o:p></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;">
1.
</div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;">
A
violent bounce returned him to consciousness. </div>
<br />
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Dull
throbs echoed through his head. For several moments he could only grasp his own
existence, until another bounce shook enough of the drowsiness away to offer
some lucidity. </div>
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His
eyes drifted open to two bare feet—his feet, given how the toes wiggled at his
command. He shifted his gaze and spotted a pair of black combat boots to the
right, and then a pair of combat boots to the left. </div>
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An
ache in his back prompted him to try stretching, and the boy found himself
wrapped in a white straitjacket. <span style="color: #4f81bd; mso-themecolor: accent1;">Would he know what a straitjacket was?</span> He strained against the
restraints for a second or two, then submitted to fatigue. Neither pair of
boots flanking him had moved an inch. </div>
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Steady
rain pelted the roof and mixed with the loud drone of a diesel engine. The
whole truck rattled and shook as it sped through the night. <span style="color: #4f81bd; mso-themecolor: accent1;">The reader, and presumably, the
boy, doesn’t know he’s in a truck. He should probably deduce this?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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Continuing
to stare at his feet, <s>the boy wondered where he was and—following that—</s>where
he was going. That made him wonder why he was going wherever he was going. As
he tried to recall the events leading to his imprisonment, his body tensed with
the realization that he didn’t know his own name. <span style="color: #4f81bd; mso-themecolor: accent1;">But he knows what a straightjacket is and a truck?
Perhaps he should realize this too.</span></div>
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The
boy raised his gaze and found an unblinking pair of eyes opposite him. They
belonged to a man—the darkness obscured most of his features, but the boy
guessed he must’ve been in his forties. The silhouette revealed a cap and
uniform, <s>perhaps an officer’s. </s>The world outside whizzed by behind the
officer’s head, illuminated every now and then by orange streetlights. For a
brief instant, the boy thought he saw the glint of stars stitched onto the man’s
shoulders, but the darkness returned too quickly to know for certain. </div>
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<span style="color: #4f81bd; mso-themecolor: accent1;">This is a good scene but I feel
the focus could be more on the boy realizing he’s 1)imprisoned 2)being taken
somewhere and 3)has no memories. You can really hit these points harder…get
some more of his confusion, maybe even panic. He seems very calm and assessing.
He even realizes the one guy is an officer! I think that’s a little much. The
hint with the stars on his shoulders is enough for the reader. The boys should
be more concerned with other things…like wondering WTF!?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #4f81bd; mso-themecolor: accent1;">Also, a lot of action-y YA is in
present tense…which lends itself well to keep pacing moving forward. You might
want to consider seeing if that works for you.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #4f81bd; mso-themecolor: accent1;"><o:p> </o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">Thanks
again to Gregory Schwarz for sharing his work with us!</span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;">
</span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">For the next query visit Kate on her blog on 9/22 at
katekaryusquinn.blogspot.com and I’ll have another critique right here next
Tuesday!</span></div>
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<o:p> </o:p></div>
<br />
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<o:p> </o:p></div>
</div>
Demitriahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11597317699857591880noreply@blogger.com6